Richardland Blog

BigDogDaddy83: you’ve been using a lot of internet lingo lately… everything ok?

Richar900: nah. lol, wtf & idk’s are okay. not abnormal

BigDogDaddy83: oh really? And how do ya feel about brb?

Richar900: also allowed

BigDogDaddy83: hmmm, so then what

BigDogDaddy83: what’s NOT allowed?

BigDogDaddy83: rofl’s?

BigDogDaddy83: lmao’s?

BigDogDaddy83: I’m ok with it

Richar900: correct. along with ttfn unless used ironically

BigDogDaddy83: ew I hate ttfn

BigDogDaddy83: Who the hell still says ta ta anyway unless referring to boobs

BigDogDaddy83: In which case it’s not really “ta ta”… it’s more like “HOLY COW! LOOK!!! TATAS!!!!!!”

Richar900: i think i would have to shoot anyone that visibly excited about boobs

Richar900: it should be more like “aye say. *sips tea* if you direct your attention to the direction i’m looking, i think you’ll be pleased to find a pair of rather visually appealing breasts”

Richar900: and then your buddy goes “indeed! i dare say i would fancy a bout with my face betwix them whilst impersonating a mortar powered water craft” and you both share a jolly good chuckle.

I just beat Donkey Kong Land 2 on my colorless, non-lit-screen Gameboy circa 1996. I had reached the last boss earlier today in my backyard while sunning myself (FYI: it’s been sweatyballs weather here in Southern California lately this November) when the game shut off due to dead batteries right when I was heading back inside anyway.

Just now I got the urge to play again but my house is absent of double A’s so I had to play on the remaining life of the known-to-be-dead ones. I played. I fought. I won. Totally killed Captain K. Rool and saved Donkey Kong (in DK2 you play as Diddy and his hot blonde girlfriend Dixie who can move her ponytail like it were the actual tail of a pony, and also has a super equilibrium that insures she never gets dizzy). I got to watch the entire ending on that tiny shitty screen and right when it was over? -blip- Gameboy shuts off.

God let those batteries last long enough to allow my victory and the enjoyment of its spoils. Thanks God. I owe you a solid (not applicable to going to church, giving to charity or doing kind deeds).

Course, naturally, I couldn’t see shit on that screen, so I youtubed the ending and learned a lot: like that its a gun K Rool is shooting at you and the same gun that he’s using to glide to each side of the screen (i thought he was either a robot or had skates on the Gameboy).

Here’s the ending in its SNES glory:

In anti-Obama change-resistant mode, my body began craving oldschool video games after the election on the 5th. Mostly Nintendo games that I missed out on growing up or SNES games that were unavailable to me because I picked the wrong system in the 16-bit wars.

My first choice was the Megaman series for NES, but an NES was unavailable to me since apparently my aunt got rid of hers years ago. Choice 2 was Donkey Kong Country for SNES. also unavailable to me, so I asked Santa for the system and the 3 games in the series, to which Santa/my mom was extremely surprised. Until then I have all 3 on Gameboy. not Gameboy DS. not Gameboy Advance. not even Gameboy Color… just… regular shitty Gameboy Pocket.

I pried out the crusty oxidized double A batteries from it, chose DK2 and picked up a saved game that hadn’t been played since 1998 when my family moved from NY to Missouri and I played the games to pass the time. I played Kirbys Dreamland and Wario 2 more though, so this DK2 game wasn’t very far along. Still, it was fun, but the graphics were terrible. Seriously Gameboy? No color or backlit screen even? Wtf? I also had a GameGear, which I loved dearly despite it containing hardly any enjoyable games. Here Gameboy was with the better games and no way to enjoy them without extreme hunching and squinting.

Whatever. Donkey Kong Country RULES. Man did I really miss out having a shitty Sega Genesis instead of an awesome SNES. This has been bothering me for over a decade, but even more now that I experience what exactly I was missing.

Dear Sega: Die. Oh wait. you did. cuz you suck. Eff you.
-Richard

PS Afterthought: I was about to save this post when I saw Obama’s name there at the top in a dangerously close proximity to an image of an ape and thought “oh no’s! that means I’m racist now!”. Dammit. screw it. I’m not changing a thing. the dude’s president. racism is dead. send your hatemail to the 2nd ventricle of my colon (where the jokes on you, suckers. colons dont have ventricles! lolz!!!1)

Sorry ju guys. For those following the FMFS (Feminine Mikey Facebook Saga): I put in HOURS negotiating with this schmuckluck to see if a friendly re-joining could be possible for all you kiddies at home, but OY. he’s just too annoying. no longer friend material. I only tried for you guys who so often voice your love for the old material on richardland he was a part of, but he’s just too far gone into douchitude to be recovered at this point.

To give you an idea of what an assface the once great Feminine Mikey has become, here is a rundown of the first sentence of every paragraph in his latest Facebook reply. Read this horseshit and keep in mind that these messages are supposed to convey “I’m sorry I was such an asshole in the past, but I really want to make it up to you and try to be friends again”. Maybe its me, so you tell ME if that’s the tone YOU gleam when you read these openers:

Jesus Richard.  Way to make an ultimately simple statement confusing and overly complicated.

Context: Instead of being greatful that I’m actually putting thought and effort into replying to his messages and contuing to steadfastly make his case, he won’t stop whining about how I’m being too mean to him in my replies, so I told him fine - vote for the other guy instead of your original choice in the Nov 4 election and I’ll tone down the rhetoric a little in return. He couldn’t wrap his head around the whole “do something as a sign of good faith and i’ll tamp down the mean words as a return-favor” concept, claiming that if my harsh words can be graceously waved due to an action then they lose credibility. I replied to let him know that he’s retarded for thinking that, and apparently that was me making a simple statement confusing and overly complicated.

Comment: Really? Even if you’re weak enough to get frustrated at someone you’re trying to apologize to and regain favor with at them being unnecessarily “confusing” and “complicated” (by explaining something in simplistic terms so he could understand it), do you really show how flustered you are with an exasperated “Jesus” and go on to blame the person you’re supposedly trying to curry favor with? please. and “overly complicated” is redundant you twit, but I didn’t tell him that cuz it would be an unnecessary diversion.

Now, on to this online chapter book you’ve presented…

Context: he’s making a deragatory comment about the length of my reply.
Comment:Really? you think it’s a good idea to insult the time taken by someone who hates you but gives you lengthy and quality written reactions to your whiny ass little pleas anyway? and a “chapter book” is a childrens book, so I don’t know if he’s claiming I was using child-level vocabulary, or if he didn’t know that chapter book was a real phrase and he was just trying to say “a book long enough to have chapters” to insult the length of my reply while i was hearing him out on his request to be my god damn friend. I didn’t tell him any of that cuz it would be an unnecessary diversion.

I can’t believe you’ve injected politics into this discussion…way to make an already overly drawn-out topic even more overly drawn-out.

Context: when he said why he could never vote for the other guy earlier, he said a bunch of stuff that wasn’t true, so I corrected him.
Comment: Really? you can’t believe that after you talked about politics to someone that they would reply? Really?

The fault lays with you here, Bush.  Cause I didn’t sound like I misspoke from the beginning.

Context: He mentioned how votes don’t count (electoral college-wise) in California and it’s too bad my vote couldn’t be put to use back in Missouri. I misunderstood and commented on it - he explained his original comment further and in the reply to that I said his explanation makes sense and my bad for not getting it on the first go-around.
Comment: Really? You think its useful to keep going on the “I was right! you misunderstood! YOUR fault!” path even after the other person says “you were right. i misunderstood. my fault”? And calling me Bush (not a nickname I’ve ever taken)? wtf.

Sorry guys. I promise I gave him more than a fair shot. Femanine Mikey just sucks at life too bad to be recovered right now.

O-BA-MAH O-BA-Ya, you can pretty much see where that’s going I guess. The real thing to be happy about on this historic occasion that no one is honest enough to point out is that the biggest achievement about Obama’s election as president is that he exists in the first place as an option. Cuz, hi. Newsflash to racial minorities: we would have voted you into high office decades ago if you just gave us the chance. You didn’t. The Obama victory is not a time to be happy because we’re finally less racist now, its a time to be happy because our racial minorities are finally improving their lives on their own a tad more and slowly - oh so painfully slowly - allowing the racist remnants of times and events long past to STILL keep them down today.

Also: everyone who was expecting President Obama to suddenly fix your crappy life with his magic touch powered by unfiltered HopenChange ore? Boy are YOU in for the surprise ending of a disappointment times a million. Do yourself a ha-uuuge favor and go ahead and be prepared for nothing to change in your life unless you change it. You voted in “change” on tax policy and court justices. not your life. The problem with Obama’s excitement generation (ya, I checked. there’s only one) is that he “inspired” so many people…to… vote for him. Not to actually DO anything. Just to get excited about his campaign. Erm: that ain’t enough fellas.

As far as danger in store for the new administration? My PSP (Post Script Prediction) is that the Obama’s will get Hot, not Shot. But please? Crazies? Could we please be cool about this? I would really appreciate it if you go ahead and not try to kill our new president. Cool? can we accomplish that please? I know its “about that time” for another assassination attempt, and Obama’s JFK qualities are getting some people buzzing with historical patterns in the space/time continuum, but…maybe we just go ahead and not. do that? Really, that’d be great.

What do I mean by “hot, not shot”? Wutch u THINK it means, bitch? Jk. My second prediction, after no murder attempt being made on President elect Obama, is that Malia (shown in red below. classy red. not “wtf are you wearing?” red, like her mom) will get hot.

The possibility will become more clear over the years and by midway into dads possible 2nd term, she’ll be full-on jailbait to all you terrible people. Little Sasha has potential sure - obviously - Barack and Michelle are pretty good looking, so gene-wise, they both have a fair shot at being attractive when they enter adulthood, but its still a guessing game on that front for awhile. Plus, anyone who knows sisters knows that there’s gonna be at least a 5 point difference in the attractive scale, so we’ll see if my call requires a revisiting later on (check back in 6-9 years for an update).

I have an excellent track record on judging the percentage of likelihood that a child will blossom into a pretty teenager and/or hot adult (both usually don’t occur. its either ugly duckling or reverse uglyduckling unfortunately) or not and at this juncture, I can confirm that Malia’s got the goods on which to build on. the only thing that could ruin it for her is if she either gains food-weight under the pressure’s of being first-kid for that stage in her life or fails to lose her baby fat (not her fault) a la Hillary Duff (gross), who still looks like a child to me because her face never matured from when she was just a kid.

maliaobama

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So congratulations to dark people for churning out something we can all say “yes we can” to - no one try to kill him please - and keep an eye on Malia as she sails through her awkward years in the Washington goldfish bowl for the next 4 years till the Romney’s move in.

My cousin Marty turned 40, and apparently his awesome new wife Lisa loves awkward moments as much as I do, cuz she got him a singing telegram and, whoah, does the uncomfortable hilarity flow like esoteric references in a Dennis Miller monologue. The sheer uncomfortableness is delightfully awesome as the performance seems to last about 2 minutes too long and cousin Marty is left stranded in how the eff to react to this madness.

I wish there was a DVD of moments like this with different characters and victims honoree’s.

First, I’m kinda annoyed that cousin Marty never told me he was Scott McClellan and I don’t know why it took this video to make me realize the identity but it would have been pretty awesome to have a family member who was White House Press Secretary (even though he sucked royally at that job).

Second, lets not knock the calypso chachacha telegrammer girl woman who did just fine at her job which I’m sure she loves and has a lot of fun with. but… doesn’t a part of you kind of watch this and think it would be interesting if she’s a single mom struggling to make ends meet and cries profusely when she gets in her car to go home each day?

I opened up my pantry to stare at my cereal selection for awhile until my stomach relayed which one it wanted to my brain and during the processing I saw a tied up bag of baby marshmallows.

Mmmm. baby marshmallows, I’d lak ta hav mez sum a thoze I thought as I reached for the bag. but… the tie. was tied way too tight. and I didn’t feel like unwinding it just for marshmallows. so I didn’t.

So just so we’re all clear here…
Untying a twist tie… on a plastic bag… of baby marshmallows… was too much work for me. so I moved on.

UPDATE: A few minutes later I rediscovered half a steak in the fridge from the other night and decided steak & eggs sounded good, so I’m crackin mah eggs all up in mah bowl like a pimp and walking over to the garbage to throw out the shells instead of doing the cracking in a closer proximity to said garbage. and each time I do this (I made 4 eggs), I’m thinking “the energy its taking to make this unnecessary trip could have been put towards securing yourself some of those baby marshmallows you know”. I scramble up them eggers and I’m thinking “you know, even this is kind of a chore that you could have split between grabbing some of those baby marshmallows - and plus, the steak is still fridged and gonna need heating. you know what you’re gonna be thinking about THEN dontcha”. and of course I did.

I’ve been receiving this question ever since captain Fem-Mi appeared on this website, which was only weeks before our friendship crashed and burned after he perpetrated a social suicide bombing on our relationship after converting to Douchebagelism in college. It was unfortunate timing, cuz  everyone on richardland had just started to meet and went on to love Feminine Mikey - and for good reason - I did too. he was fun. Great guy, good pal. but unfortunately he started to achieve meltdown atomic levels of doucherness, achieved by matching a sudden decrease of his interesting and unique attributes with a sharp increase of his opinion of himself (always the scientific douchebag ratio). The unbalanced scales led him to turn into a huge burnout loser that I still stuck with for awhile until he topped his make-your-own-sundae of disaster with a cherry of Brutisesque betrayal.

Mikey relations were cut at that point and laid mostly dormant until earlier this year when he tried to add me on Facebook, resulting in a smack-back that was detailed here on richardland. He responded to it and I responded back eventually - which he would obnoxiously try to copy? Cuz I would take a month or so to respond to a message cuz I’m terribly uninterested in the sob story this douche has but I at least get to it. He however is supposedly trying to apologize and become friends again so wtf is HIS excuse for all of a sudden taking 4 weeks to reply now? moron. he can’t stop trying to be like me even after all this time.

So what’s the deal with Mikey? The answer to the headline of this post is “not bloody likely”, but said in a really obnoxious way, maybe with an accent, and definitely delivered only a few inches away from your face with an awkward pause afterward.

I’m totally forgiving if a repentance is genuine, but that’s only half the story with a friend-gone-wrong. Duh - hello? I have to still LIKE you if you wanna be friends again. So I might forgive someone but if I still don’t respect them then what’s the point?

Well Mikey, being an idiot and all, failed to understand why he had to sell himself as a good person when I should already know this (that whole 6 months where he was a jerk that ended our friendship doesn’t count when Mikey’s the score keeper). The Feminine Mikey brand has been sullied, I told him, and you need to market it properly or no one’s gonna remember or at least apply to your party affiliation the good times - they’re just gonna remember the shit you at best, failed to explain properly and they’re gonna choose the inexperienced black guy over you no matter how seasoned and worthy you might be.

It’s like a guy who breaks up with his girlfriend cuz he doesn’t like her anymore but then a few years later gets lonely and finds himself regretting the good times with her. so he goes back and apologizes and she points out that he was a jerk during the breakup. he agrees and apologizes but is all “wtf ELSE do you want from me? i SAID i was sorry. gaaad” . So she throws her drink in his face.
if he really loved her, he goes on accepting the mantle and explaining why he’s worth a second shot. the other scenario though, is if he was just a schmuck who was only going through this cuz he got a little nostalgic lately after re-examining his current quality of life - then he decides he doesn’t need this kind of bullshit and totally remembers why he dumped the bitch in the first place and they’re both better off for it.

I threw the drink.
your move holy man.

My last response to Mikey sums it all up in my usual dosages of prose, sober comment, compassion, stern explanation and ruthless logicality that Roger Ebert called “the best to hit the internet in years”. It’s an explanation in response to him whining about his attempts being hopeless and if I “clearly whole heartedly hate” him and blah blah - you’ll see. Here’s it be at for y’all to take awn in:

Michael, the opposite of love isn’t hate. it’s apathy.
there’s lots of that with me towards you, but clearly not 100% as you can see the length of the responses [you get].
so no, I don’t “whole heartedly hate” you. I think you’re a selfish opportunistic ass whose narcissism led him to devalue any friends that could be seen as dominant or hindering to a new decidedly consequence-free lifestyle you thought would lead you to happiness and when it failed, you come back to the friends you sneered at in the past while retaining the same resentment you had for them when you hastily cut them out of your life.

I’d love to be proved wrong.
I’ve always doubted I would.

And that… meui dea frens…is the situation with Mikey.

Since I’m an awesome friend, I want my gay friends to score just as much as anyone else. aaaand… the author of the emo duo Pon & Zi internet cartoon strip (you’ve seen them on myspace somewhere at some point if nowhere else) happens to be into hot dogs and not donuts (in a relationship currently though. bleh) and looked just too ca-uuute with my homo-homeboy big D, so naturally I started harassing him to hook it up with Pon & Zi dude. Now, one of the ways I could accomplish this would be to private message him on Facebook. but. eff that. So I public-commented him, but, ehn khode *does that double eyebrow raise that marks deviousness*

The 2nd message (at the top) explains the first, which reads:

Why am I messaging you?
haven’t I anything better to do?
you will understand the real intention soon.
banged into your brain, its meaning will be.
the meaning of this comment is at the end.
Pon&Zi rock and i saw you marked yourself as a fan on here.
artist is a word that is sometimes used too liberally.
yet??? here I am. messaging you. with a question SO IMPORTANT, it could only be delivered publicly in code…..

the code? first word of each line. duh. (in bold to help you out).

Yeay for gay hook-ups!
In an unrelated note though to fellow Californians: vote Yes on Prop 8.

OooOoo. I knew having 17 year old female friends would come in handy for something other than baiting their hot friends, and here it is: new music introduction. of course!

I was just presented this song by Regina Spector (written by. not presented by. but that’d be cool if Spector was all like “here. i want you to check out this diddy. i think you’ll like it. - kindov like spam on Myspace from band profiles, except in real life and from Regina Spector and not a reason I hate serive I use). Spector is “a Soviet-born Jewish-American singer-songwriter and pianist”, which is…an odd first sentence to describe an entertainer in their Wikipedia entry, but whatever. who cares, cuz she’s totally sung her way right into my ha-ha-haha-ha-a-a-a-a-arrrt.
*giggles*!

I think one of the reasons I like it so much is that it’s the first song I’ve heard to incorporate the “a-a-ah-a-ah-a” from the “standing outside with my mouth open wide” song that I also get little excited tinglies from.