Richardland Blog

Its not that everyone is actively trying to get you. It’s that everyone MIGHT be actively trying to get you. You just don’t know. So don’t trust anyone. Ever.

Don’t rely on people. They’ll let you down. Don’t invest emotion in people. It’s just an invitation to get your feelings hurt. Don’t have feelings. They will only get you in trouble or ruin other plans.

Think of everything cool: Pirates, Ninjas, Superheroes (the badass ones like Batman, not the spoiled brats with every power in the world that can afford to get all emotional like Superman). The only “feelings” they have are rage, resolve, determination and kickass.

Sure they “care” about others, but not in gay emotional terms - in much more mathematical ways that stem from duty, ethics and justice as defined by their terms.

So my advice for the day is to throw your human flaws of emotion out the window and keep a healthy sense of suspicion, doubt and disdain for everyone around you everywhere at all times and in all places.

You’ll thank me later.
Now go in peace.

1. Pilot. I forget when he first mentioned this one, but he’s brought it up several times over the years.
2. Flight Dispatcher. This is what my dad does. One day he was talking about all the “young kids” (early 30’s) coming into the office and asked why I don’t become one of them.
3. VHS to DVD Store Operator. One day while I was in Texas he saved a newspaper article he read and wanted to show me. It was about a guy who opened a shop that accepted your old home movies on VHS and converted and burned them to DVD’s. After his synopsis of what the article was about when he was handing it to me to read, he said I should look into doing that and open a store myself. Ya, that sounds fun. Not. He didn’t understand the sarcasm.
4. Construction Worker. My dads first son in Florida frames houses. Since middle school my dad has wanted me to go down there for a summer and “hammer nails” with him. Despite never showing any interest in tools and being terribly bored with geometry and math, my dad has always thought this would be a great career choice for me.
   
5. Contractor. Pretty much the same circumstances as above, just in different contexts
6. CPAP Parts Salesman. A PAP (positive airway pressure) machine is something people like my dad hook onto their face at night that forces them to breathe so they don’t snore, don’t die, and get restful, quality sleep. When my dad had trouble finding a part for his machine, he suggested I sell them. “Why don’t you do that?” he said. “You could make a lot of money selling these things”.
7. Doctor or Lawyer. While trying for more than the 30th time to explain my business model to him and being met with clear disinterest, I stopped the explanation and asked what besides this does he think I would be successful at and enjoy? His response: “I don’t know. Doctor? Lawyer?”. He was 100% serious…
8. Cable News Pundit/Commentary Anchor. While watching one of the pundit shows on Fox (I forget which), my dad asks to me in the kitchen “why don’t you go be one of those guys? You could do that. But you gotta go to college or no one’s gonna care what you think”. I considered mentioning that the nations most listened to talk show on radio (Limbaugh) didn’t go to college and millions a day “care what he thinks”, but decided against it since he wouldn’t understand the point being made.Border Patrol Agent. This weekend (January 10th 08) while in San Diego for my cousins wedding, we’re in the hotel and a recruitment commercial for border patrol agents airs on the tv box, so you could count the seconds before the inevitable “why don’t you do that?” I usually don’t respond to these things, but I did this time and asked “Dad, what makes you possibly think I would want to be a border patrol agent?”
9. Air Marshal. Same day as the border agent incident, an hour or two later while at breakfast with my aunt and uncle. Air marshals came up in conversation as we wondered out loud how many flights have marshals on them and my dad again says “why don’t you be one a them?” My answer was the same as earlier: “okay dad. I’ll look into being an air marshal”….

*****

I ‘ll continue to update this list as it progresses…

Everyone loves puppies, but not everyone loves or has the space and time required for a dog. So that’s why I’m going to go into a puppy rotation business where you can lease a puppy that you can trade in every 2 months for a fresh one. Keep getting the same breed and keep one name to freeze it forever in time, or rotate breeds every cycle for a fun change of speed.

Your dog will never learn tricks or become house trained, but it will also never get big and always stay cute.

Traded in dogs will be humanely killed and used to feed the homeless, or, if people freak out over that too much, we can raise them to do field labor or something.

Details on how to sign up and a price list of breeds will be made available soon!

Every few months if I remember, I look through the comments on my Youtube account to see if there’s anything relevant or interesting. Mostly useless garbage, but every once in awhile you stumble on a gem. Like this one on my Marco Polo video…

(click screencap to view)

Here it is in text, just because:

So are you guys like proffessional atheletes or something?

that was intense
every time i think of that cutie in green i get my friends to violentlty fist my ass.

U ROCK!!!!!1

Back in the early to mid 90s, Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network used to have commercials for such cool things I’d wanna buy.

Now it seems like they only advertise for dumb toys and games. You know. Kid stuff.

What happened to you guys? You used to be cool.

I don’t think Will Smith was ever so much a “Fresh Prince” of Bel Air. He was fresh enough, sure. But a prince?

He didn’t seem to have any significant sway in the community if he had any at all. Royal subjects? None. He had Jazz, who was more of a child to be supported than any kind of servant.

When it all comes down to it, this so called prince was really just an overly enthusiastic poor as crap wise cracking ghetto kid from Philly who was lucky enough to have rich extended family that were willing to shoulder the burden of his worthless existence for awhile. They provided a safe, comfortable upbringing with opportunity and he brought the personality and street smart fun with his unorthodox inner city styles that brought adventure to spice up their stuffy lives.

He was never crowned anything close to royalty, even in the most abstract of metaphors. The dude was a migrating trader at best.

A prince?… I think not.

(The trick where he turns his throne upside down though is pretty cool. If I were him I would have marketed that into a party trick business)

When you’re at a concert or other event and the MC tells you to “make some noise”, do you necessarily clap? I don’t. The directions were clearly non-specific. Yet everyone claps. Well, I’m not everyone.

Usually I scream the Gettysburg address as loud as I can, but really any kind of shreiking will do. Pots and pans to bang together is great, but cumbersome to carry around until they’re called for. Sometimes I come prepared with an air horn. That usually gets me in trouble because it produces more noise than was expected when the on stage request was made. But is that my problem? Shouldn’t be.

If following directions from a person with a microphone in a unique way gets you in trouble, then baby… I don’t wanna be not in trouble. I guess I’m just a rebel that way. Its part of what makes me so dangerous.

Ever since Facebook opened its slutty thighs to every developer on the internet that wanted a piece of their sweet college tang, it has been at least 14% less cool. Now I get weirdass requests to and for things that don’t make any sense or are totally gay.

There are a couple that are obvious(ly stupid), but most of them are just really odd and retarded. Someone sent me a ‘hawaiian luau invitation‘ and a few inquisitive clicks later, I have suddenly also invited 20 people on my friends list to the luau as well. What the hell? Now what? When does this take place. And where? I have an apartment on Oahu. Did I just volunteer to host a frigging themed Facebook party now? Did I for real just invite 19 people I went to high school with and never talked to since, and one girl I’ve never met or talked to at all who lives in Mississippi but I thought she was cute so I added her?

What about the you’re hot request. Is someone requesting some of my hotness? Cuz, um, no? Just cuz I have an unlimited supply doesn’t mean I’m sharing. Sharing is for suckers and unpopular people. And even if I were in a generous mood, that crap wouldn’t be free. You think you can just have some just cuz you asked? Go to hell ugly Betty. You didn’t even “ask” ask. You just hit a freaking button. You think that deserves anything more than my spit? How bout you just take your loser, beauty pan handling to an employer and earn some cash for plastic surgery like the American way dictates. Frigging communist.

The Superpoke? pfff. more like the Super Joke. (eh?)

Backup Spouse? Awesome. So if your first pick at a spouse gets hit by a truck, decides to run off with his secretary or otherwise taps out, then I get to swing in and support your aged fat ass and someone else’s annoying ass kids? De-nied.

Top friends? No. I don’t need my gaggle of former classmates and low degree acquaintances messaging me to passive aggressively ask me why asking X or Y was accepted and not them. That is what myspace is for. Spreading butter on toast? that’s what knives are for. Top Friends? serves no purpose. no good can come of this.

Entourage invitation hm? Okay. But only if I get to be Turtle. or, shit, no. I meant Ari. I wanna be Ari. Ari Gold - Gold Standard - You got Gold baby. I deserve to be Ari. I said Jeremy Piven was gonna go places since his supporting role in that Seinfeld episode and knew that when Ellen was canceled, he’d be back. Dammit. Its too late. Now I’m Turtle. Facebook sucks. Just like life. As Turtle.

I tried to find out more about these things on Facebook’s FAQ. Their staff flacks are doing a good job greasing the propaganda mil. Get a load of this spin.

Applications are tools that allow you interact with your friends and networks.

Ya, I think I was allowed to do that already. Asshole.

Examples of applications that Facebook has built are Photos, Notes, and Groups.

Truly unique innovations. With presidents like those, I’m totally pumped for what marvels are in store.

Now, Facebook allows third parties to develop applications that abide by your privacy settings and live within the site.

They live now? Do I have to feed them? or are they just parasites that suckle on the life force of your unique profile you fueled with memories and information about your life as a young adult in exchange for offering a service you didn’t know you needed until they told you to. I think we both know the answer. (in case you didn’t though - I was strongly implying it was the 2nd thing I said).

Adding applications allows you to expand the usefulness of the site.

Liar.

Check out our Application Directory for a list of applications that you can add.

Notice how they say it as a command instead of adding a friendly “if you want” or “if you so choose” or “if you have nothing better to do with your life cuz you staved off growing up by going to college and are trying to further delay it as much as possible by searching for any meaningless way to enhance your ridiculous Facebook profile”.

Facebook… you disgust me.

Every time some one needs directions they tell me to “mapquest it”. Well you know what? Go to hell. I use Google Earth for all my directions.

I’ve never used Mapquest. I never will. I like Google Fkking Earth.
Deal with it. Its my lifestyle choice. I’m tired of being persecuted for it.

I like seeing the globe and zooming into the satellite photos. I like that I can save places. I like that I can twirl it around really quick without having to wait for it to load. And I like that when I punch in to and from directions, I can easily zoom in on certain parts of it real easy.

I also like that I can search for local stuff and then when it pops up on the map I can just click it as my destination. Can mapquest do that shit? Maybe it can. I have no idea. I’ve never fkking used it. You know why? Cuz I use fkking Google Earth. Deal with it.

Screw Mapquest, screw you, and screw society for putting this technological dilemma before me in the first place.

I also like cheeseburgers again. I didn’t for awhile, but I think they’re okay now.

Originally posted on my facebook account in the Notes section.. 

This is what I’ve been missing out on for the past 2 years? this is friggin lame. no wonder facebook kept a country club exclusivity for so long - they didn’t want the rest of the world to know how useless they were. I should have suspected sooner that my dopey friends were suffering from an Emperors New Clothes Syndrome when they couldn’t explain what was so great about facebook except that “it just is”. For a brief time I considered the possibility that it was on the level of myself and similarly to the “why is Richard so awesome?” question, they just didn’t have the vocabulary to express it appropriatly. cha. no.

It seems that almost every feature that makes this site unique is recently added. and sucks. You can’t even turn off email notices from this crap and when you try, the FAQ answers by saying “its tough being popular. unfortunately there is no way to turn this obnoxious and unnecessary feature off”. Gee thanks. Assholes. This “news feed” garbage? Who the hell wants that? Telling everyone who you’re in a relationship with and when you break up? F that. How the hell am I supposed to hit on college chicks in Wyoming when they can just click over to my ball and chain and get discouraged since they’ll never be that hot? And what the hell am I writing this in anyway? “notes”? how bout “NOTS” *audience applause*

But seriously. Why am I so kick ass? Never mind. Facebook users aren’t smart enough to answer that. Most college students aren’t. Which is why I didn’t go to college. It makes you stupid. Unless you’re going into a natural or social science, college is a total scam. 1 to three years at a community college or straight to a trade school to get the learning and papers for a specific job and you’re fine. I know this news might piss you off, but let me illustrate my point…

At the end of my first paragraph I spelled “appropriately” wrong. If you caught it and thought you were hot shit because of it and were about to send me a message letting me know what an uneducated boob I am - congratulations - college has made you stupid. ONLY a college student is intellectually shallow enough to see a missing “e” in a typed facebook note and declare it as sufficient evidence against someone’s education. So depraved are they that they are completely oblivious to the fact that even egregious errors in grammar have never been a societal standard of worth or intellect. Not when our House & Senate consisted mostly of farmers and merchants, not when Mark Twain was writing culture changing satire, and not when a Texas governor is elected to a second presidential term with the highest number of votes in American History.

So its an interesting conclusion that facebook is an unnecessary time waster that won’t improve your life long-term, since its target demographic is a group that wasted their time with something unnecessary that won’t improve their life in the long term.

Delicious.