Richardland Blog

3 lady friends of mine go out to eat at 3AM on a chilly December night just a few days ago and despite being total snobs, they accept their options to be very limited and go into a Denny’s. I wasn’t with them. This is how one of the girls recounted the story to me today:

They waited to be seated, which for some snobby reason annoyed her. Their waitress was young and pregnant, and obviously, working the night shift at Denny’s - not in the best of finances. She delivered what they deemed to be crappy service, so they stiffed her on the tip. The girl telling the story said she left 1 penny, “and I dug deep to find the dirtiest penny I could too”.

After laughing profusely, I explained that they were going to hell.

She objected, citing the poor service. I retorted saying “Ya, but in those cases then you’re only supposed to leave 10% if you’re really angry about it”. She quickly disposed of that doctrine asking what she would be paying for if not quick service. Not that she was smart enough to have ever heard this, but the word TIP, is often considered an acronym for To Insure Promptness. But still, I said; she is an unfortunate soul who is your age or younger and pregnant - she needs the money. “So what?” was the response. “That ain’t my fault. I didn’t force that bitch to open up her legs for some guy that can’t take care of her financially”.
Hm. Sound logic. What can I say back?

My follow up answer, and the ensuing dissection of tipping rules and etiquette grew larger than expected and thus has been moved from the blog and can be found in the following article:

 A Richardland Guide to Tipping

Still here in texas at my parents house, the day after Christmas. They went to see Charlie Wilsons War today. I stayed home to get some work done. Tonight, my dad is sitting in the easy chair watching TV and expresses this thought to me while I’m re-arranging a few logs in the fireplace…

Dad: You know where Malibu is, right?

Me: Cha (yes)

Dad: You remember where I told you where I wanna live?

Me: No

Dad: (indignant that I have no idea wtf he’s talking about) Ya. When you were little? We drove up the coast and I pointed to some of those houses and said I wanna live in any one of those?

Me: No. But okay. What about it.

Dad: I’m sittin there watchin Tom Hanks up on screen and I’m thinkin, “my son could do this“. He’s there, a multi-billionaire [sic]*, doin what he loves…. So why don’t you do that?

Me: That’s the plan

Dad: So [hand gesture] why don’t you go and do that and buy me one a them houses and I can sit and retire on the beach. and I’ll take mom with me.

Me: Well, you can’t have it both ways

Dad: Why not?

Me: (pretending he meant to say “what do you mean” instead of “why not”) Well, you can’t give the most minimal of support to my preference of that line of work AND still want to get all the benefits of its potential success.

Dad: …Wuh ya mean. I been supportin it for 20 years

Me: (re-iterating) I said “minimal” support, not “none”

Dad: So I support you for 20 years, you support me for 20 years

Me: Okay. But at a parallel level, right? So when I make it big I’ll say “I know you want THIS kind of house, but I think you should want this or this instead, and plus, I think it’s really stupid that you want a house. I’ll support ya, but only for these things that I think are a good idea and only at a minimal degree”.

Dad: (looks over and thinks for a second) Okay - make it for Mom, and then she can take care of me.

Ironically I didn’t go see the movie with them because I was working on getting the new Richardland TV section back up with new videos. My dad thinks both acting and “playing” on the internet are ridiculous time wasters that bring shame upon the family.
And he’s not even Jewish!

———————-

*Tom Hanks is a multi-millionaire. Not billionaire.

Screw you Myspace! You mean nothing to me! You should mean nothing to everyone. I’ve said it dozens of times before and I still keep having to say again and again that nothing on Myspace or Facebook is real. Not from me anyway. Its the same fanciful mix of satire, humor, sarcasm and self promotion peppered only with dashes here and there of genuine reality of my personal life. I already have a life in real life. I don’t need to claim places on the internet with it. And none of you should. These social networking sites should be diversions, business tools, or both.

But the world still hasn’t gotten the message. Whats worse is that neither have people close to me that REALLY should know better. They constantly yapp about not being on my top 8, or doing/not doing some other online action that supposedly speaks to how I think or feel about them in the real world. Not so. Never so. You’re an idiot.

Now I get into THIS mess with the chick I’m banging when she IM’s me with this (it says my name instead of screen name cuz it was on ichat):

prettyface85: ur myspace says ur inlove
prettyface85: who r u inlove with :* ;) ;)
Richard: myself. duh
prettyface85: oh
Richard: jk. hate to burst your peepie little bubble, but idk wtf ur talking about or where it says that
prettyface85: lol
prettyface85: well it says amours n i looked what it meant
prettyface85: n it says in love
prettyface85: on ur richardbushnell myspace
Richard: where?
prettyface85: ur current mood or somth
Richard: oh. lol. amorous
prettyface85: yea
prettyface85: that
Richard: awk-warrrrrrrrrrrrrrd
prettyface85: ?

Um. I misread it when I first selected that as my “mood” (a new feature myspace offers now that they stole from Facebook) and thought it said “avarice”…

Avarice means insatiable greed for riches; inordinate, miserly desire to gain and hoard wealth.
Amorous means:
1. inclined or disposed to love, esp. sexual love: an amorous disposition.
2. showing or expressing love: an amorous letter.
3. of or pertaining to love: amorous poetry.
4. being in love; enamored: She smiled and at once he became amorous of her.

So of course the bitch picks #4 to be the #1 meaning of the word, gets all fricken excited, and plays the falsely bashful southern bell only to get let down (girl: why sakes alive, who would those flowers be fo? - guys: uh. my ma - girl: oh…).

Should I have lied and just said something like “oh, you know it shawty! ;)”. Duh. Would have gotten me plenty of extra serendipitous points I didn’t have to try for. But alas, I don’t know how to lie. So I layed it on her nice and blunt like.

She was not happy. I think she cried a little.
I don’t feel bad. Cuz you shouldn’t be taking Myspace so f-ing seriously in the first place!

Everyone loves puppies, but not everyone loves or has the space and time required for a dog. So that’s why I’m going to go into a puppy rotation business where you can lease a puppy that you can trade in every 2 months for a fresh one. Keep getting the same breed and keep one name to freeze it forever in time, or rotate breeds every cycle for a fun change of speed.

Your dog will never learn tricks or become house trained, but it will also never get big and always stay cute.

Traded in dogs will be humanely killed and used to feed the homeless, or, if people freak out over that too much, we can raise them to do field labor or something.

Details on how to sign up and a price list of breeds will be made available soon!

The Trix rabbit should just come over my house some time. I’d hook his ass up with some cereal. And if any annoying friggin kids tried to come over and take it away I’d shoot em with paintballs or something.

I don’t really like Trix, but it was my forbidden fruit for so many years growing up, so I know how he feels. In 3rd grade I went to see Priesto (a priest that did stage magic. yes, I’m serious) perform one night at my Catholic school on Long Island and he called a volunteer up to the stage and promised them a box of tricks. When they left, the gag was that he gave them a box of Trix [badumcha]. The audience laughed but I was envious. The next day when the kids were talking about it, I wanted that damn box of delicious fruit shaped kernals of joy. I hated that bitch for at least a week out my jealousy.

If the Trix rabbit wants Trix, he should be able to have it. It’s not like he was stealing them like the Cookie Crisp bandit or Barney with Freds Pebbles. He isn’t a little faggot like Lucky (who totally deserved to have his breakfast Charms stolen by children) or some kind of psycho animal like the Honeycombs puffball hell chihuahua.

He was just. a rabbit. A poor frigging rabbit that loved Trix cereal. And for no reason other than cruel elitist exclusivity, those obnoxious little children would take it away from him. Big deal you little bastards. You can overpower a fkking bunny. Good job. I hope you feel really good about yourself. Told to share all your life and then when you know this is the one thing this mascot wants, and you yank it away from him every time.

Well alright. KIDS. Lets do a little thought experiment. How would you like it if I did that to you, ya little snots? Hm? Oh, wanna drive a car? Driving is for adults! Wanna try some beer? Beer is for adults! Wanna have some sex? Sex is for adults! How do like THAT shit hm?
Well. I guess you DO hear those things a lot. But that’s different cuz you do them anyway. The Trix rabbit can’t. Except for that one time. But that was only after years of abuse, causing layers of psychological damage.

In my world. Trix are for everyone. You want some Trix? You go right a-fkkn-head my friend.
I am a cereal Libertarian. And that’s why I need your vote next November to help take this country back for the people.

Richard for president 2008.

What can I add to this gem that took place just moments ago? I fear any addendum’s now would only detract from it, so all I will say about this is that this female in question is over 20 years old… and blonde…

girl999: coffe gives me tummy aches
girl999: i think im lactose and tolerant
girl999: or intolerant
girl999: whatever it is
richar900: wow

The screen name has been changed to protect her identity, but you insiders that are familiar with the characters of richardland, then you’ll recognize this self portrait she did, presumably after saying something similar to this…