Richardland Blog

My cousin Marty turned 40, and apparently his awesome new wife Lisa loves awkward moments as much as I do, cuz she got him a singing telegram and, whoah, does the uncomfortable hilarity flow like esoteric references in a Dennis Miller monologue. The sheer uncomfortableness is delightfully awesome as the performance seems to last about 2 minutes too long and cousin Marty is left stranded in how the eff to react to this madness.

I wish there was a DVD of moments like this with different characters and victims honoree’s.

First, I’m kinda annoyed that cousin Marty never told me he was Scott McClellan and I don’t know why it took this video to make me realize the identity but it would have been pretty awesome to have a family member who was White House Press Secretary (even though he sucked royally at that job).

Second, lets not knock the calypso chachacha telegrammer girl woman who did just fine at her job which I’m sure she loves and has a lot of fun with. but… doesn’t a part of you kind of watch this and think it would be interesting if she’s a single mom struggling to make ends meet and cries profusely when she gets in her car to go home each day?

I opened up my pantry to stare at my cereal selection for awhile until my stomach relayed which one it wanted to my brain and during the processing I saw a tied up bag of baby marshmallows.

Mmmm. baby marshmallows, I’d lak ta hav mez sum a thoze I thought as I reached for the bag. but… the tie. was tied way too tight. and I didn’t feel like unwinding it just for marshmallows. so I didn’t.

So just so we’re all clear here…
Untying a twist tie… on a plastic bag… of baby marshmallows… was too much work for me. so I moved on.

UPDATE: A few minutes later I rediscovered half a steak in the fridge from the other night and decided steak & eggs sounded good, so I’m crackin mah eggs all up in mah bowl like a pimp and walking over to the garbage to throw out the shells instead of doing the cracking in a closer proximity to said garbage. and each time I do this (I made 4 eggs), I’m thinking “the energy its taking to make this unnecessary trip could have been put towards securing yourself some of those baby marshmallows you know”. I scramble up them eggers and I’m thinking “you know, even this is kind of a chore that you could have split between grabbing some of those baby marshmallows - and plus, the steak is still fridged and gonna need heating. you know what you’re gonna be thinking about THEN dontcha”. and of course I did.

I’ve been receiving this question ever since captain Fem-Mi appeared on this website, which was only weeks before our friendship crashed and burned after he perpetrated a social suicide bombing on our relationship after converting to Douchebagelism in college. It was unfortunate timing, cuz  everyone on richardland had just started to meet and went on to love Feminine Mikey - and for good reason - I did too. he was fun. Great guy, good pal. but unfortunately he started to achieve meltdown atomic levels of doucherness, achieved by matching a sudden decrease of his interesting and unique attributes with a sharp increase of his opinion of himself (always the scientific douchebag ratio). The unbalanced scales led him to turn into a huge burnout loser that I still stuck with for awhile until he topped his make-your-own-sundae of disaster with a cherry of Brutisesque betrayal.

Mikey relations were cut at that point and laid mostly dormant until earlier this year when he tried to add me on Facebook, resulting in a smack-back that was detailed here on richardland. He responded to it and I responded back eventually - which he would obnoxiously try to copy? Cuz I would take a month or so to respond to a message cuz I’m terribly uninterested in the sob story this douche has but I at least get to it. He however is supposedly trying to apologize and become friends again so wtf is HIS excuse for all of a sudden taking 4 weeks to reply now? moron. he can’t stop trying to be like me even after all this time.

So what’s the deal with Mikey? The answer to the headline of this post is “not bloody likely”, but said in a really obnoxious way, maybe with an accent, and definitely delivered only a few inches away from your face with an awkward pause afterward.

I’m totally forgiving if a repentance is genuine, but that’s only half the story with a friend-gone-wrong. Duh - hello? I have to still LIKE you if you wanna be friends again. So I might forgive someone but if I still don’t respect them then what’s the point?

Well Mikey, being an idiot and all, failed to understand why he had to sell himself as a good person when I should already know this (that whole 6 months where he was a jerk that ended our friendship doesn’t count when Mikey’s the score keeper). The Feminine Mikey brand has been sullied, I told him, and you need to market it properly or no one’s gonna remember or at least apply to your party affiliation the good times - they’re just gonna remember the shit you at best, failed to explain properly and they’re gonna choose the inexperienced black guy over you no matter how seasoned and worthy you might be.

It’s like a guy who breaks up with his girlfriend cuz he doesn’t like her anymore but then a few years later gets lonely and finds himself regretting the good times with her. so he goes back and apologizes and she points out that he was a jerk during the breakup. he agrees and apologizes but is all “wtf ELSE do you want from me? i SAID i was sorry. gaaad” . So she throws her drink in his face.
if he really loved her, he goes on accepting the mantle and explaining why he’s worth a second shot. the other scenario though, is if he was just a schmuck who was only going through this cuz he got a little nostalgic lately after re-examining his current quality of life - then he decides he doesn’t need this kind of bullshit and totally remembers why he dumped the bitch in the first place and they’re both better off for it.

I threw the drink.
your move holy man.

My last response to Mikey sums it all up in my usual dosages of prose, sober comment, compassion, stern explanation and ruthless logicality that Roger Ebert called “the best to hit the internet in years”. It’s an explanation in response to him whining about his attempts being hopeless and if I “clearly whole heartedly hate” him and blah blah - you’ll see. Here’s it be at for y’all to take awn in:

Michael, the opposite of love isn’t hate. it’s apathy.
there’s lots of that with me towards you, but clearly not 100% as you can see the length of the responses [you get].
so no, I don’t “whole heartedly hate” you. I think you’re a selfish opportunistic ass whose narcissism led him to devalue any friends that could be seen as dominant or hindering to a new decidedly consequence-free lifestyle you thought would lead you to happiness and when it failed, you come back to the friends you sneered at in the past while retaining the same resentment you had for them when you hastily cut them out of your life.

I’d love to be proved wrong.
I’ve always doubted I would.

And that… meui dea frens…is the situation with Mikey.

Since I’m an awesome friend, I want my gay friends to score just as much as anyone else. aaaand… the author of the emo duo Pon & Zi internet cartoon strip (you’ve seen them on myspace somewhere at some point if nowhere else) happens to be into hot dogs and not donuts (in a relationship currently though. bleh) and looked just too ca-uuute with my homo-homeboy big D, so naturally I started harassing him to hook it up with Pon & Zi dude. Now, one of the ways I could accomplish this would be to private message him on Facebook. but. eff that. So I public-commented him, but, ehn khode *does that double eyebrow raise that marks deviousness*

The 2nd message (at the top) explains the first, which reads:

Why am I messaging you?
haven’t I anything better to do?
you will understand the real intention soon.
banged into your brain, its meaning will be.
the meaning of this comment is at the end.
Pon&Zi rock and i saw you marked yourself as a fan on here.
artist is a word that is sometimes used too liberally.
yet??? here I am. messaging you. with a question SO IMPORTANT, it could only be delivered publicly in code…..

the code? first word of each line. duh. (in bold to help you out).

Yeay for gay hook-ups!
In an unrelated note though to fellow Californians: vote Yes on Prop 8.

OooOoo. I knew having 17 year old female friends would come in handy for something other than baiting their hot friends, and here it is: new music introduction. of course!

I was just presented this song by Regina Spector (written by. not presented by. but that’d be cool if Spector was all like “here. i want you to check out this diddy. i think you’ll like it. - kindov like spam on Myspace from band profiles, except in real life and from Regina Spector and not a reason I hate serive I use). Spector is “a Soviet-born Jewish-American singer-songwriter and pianist”, which is…an odd first sentence to describe an entertainer in their Wikipedia entry, but whatever. who cares, cuz she’s totally sung her way right into my ha-ha-haha-ha-a-a-a-a-arrrt.
*giggles*!

I think one of the reasons I like it so much is that it’s the first song I’ve heard to incorporate the “a-a-ah-a-ah-a” from the “standing outside with my mouth open wide” song that I also get little excited tinglies from.

I have a guest in the house currently in town that drinks coffee, and whenever coffee is already made and being served, I try to force down a cup just so I can help progress into adulthood that tiny bit more (same with wine).

Well, I had too much. 2 cups with half a melted chocolate bar, soy milk, sugar, and a drop of carmel (how ELSE am i supposed to make it eatable?). I have a hard time tolerating caffine unless dilluted well, so I assumed my bowl of Cocoa Krispies and 4 giant ass glasses of water I had my 2cupcoffee’s with would do the trick. A trick was done alright, as I assumed wrong and an hour and a half later, without warning I get the hot-head with bubble in your throat combo that is your bodies preparation slash heads-up that “hey. dude? yer eh, about to puke. k? k, cool.”

Well at first I was down with it. I haven’t puked in a really long time and after awhile you forget what its like, so I was kinda into the reminder. Plus, several of my model friends out here in L.A. rave about puking up breakfast, so why not try it and gain the credibility of experience for the next time I make open fun of thier “disease”?

Then I realized this puke would cost me. And I said ah-nah.
Besides the coffee and Krispies in a half gallon of water this morning, my stomach had expensive pill-form supplements churning with in it already… One calcium/vitamin-D pill, 1 multi-mineral, 1 pure garlic extract and 1 multi-fattyacid (borage, flax and fish oils).
Oh no. we’re not puking that up. no way guys. we gotta pull this one through.
My body goes “but Rich!” — no. don’t “but Rich” me right now. We’re keepin it down. Now I need you to just stay cool for a few minutes while I work on some things. Help is on the way, alright? just sit tight…

And it (my body) did. I quickly left the bathroom where I had this “its not worth the cost to vomit right now” epiphany and headed over to the kitch to down some organic trail mix and more water. A slice of cheese and some rubbing of the temples later and all is well.

Mind: 1
Matter: 0

ECredneck88: ::sips beer::

ECredneck88: ::eats pringle”"

richar900: ::bangs your sister::

ECredneck88: Ya know… it’s awfully hard to find any good kiddy porn these days

ECredneck88: Sorry wrong IM… that was supposed to be to my dad

ECredneck88: ….. it was a joke……..

ECredneck88: ::shrugs::

richar900: i asked someone for kiddy porn one time and was really embarrassed when —- haha - you thought the gap in response was cuz i was weirded out. lolz

ECredneck88: And my sister’s pregnant. Weirdo.

richar900: mmm. fetus porn

richar900: …… it was a joke……..

ECredneck88: fetus’s are hott

ECredneck88: And they’re always naked

richar900: and wet

ECredneck88: and slippery

richar900: and no matter how small your wang is, it doesnt matter

richar900: …… it was not a joke……..

Richard Bushnell

Today at 9:46pm

why did you have a baby with someone who beats you?
how did he off himself?

Kelly [redacted]

Today at 9:47pm

He didn’t beat me until our son was 5 months; he hung himself from a tree.

Richard Bushnell

Today at 9:51pm

so he was pleasant and normal until that one day where he started pounding on you?why would being dishonorably discharged from the Navy make killing yourself a good alternative?

just curious. this fascinates me.

Kelly [redacted]

Today at 9:54pm

We were excellent and he had an odd shift of character which I think was meth.
The NAVY has a huge rule against wife beating and they don’t tolerate it EVER.

Richard Bushnell

Today at 10:05pm

he never did any drugs before all of a sudden getting hooked on meth?i know the Navy has rules against domestic abuse. i’m asking why a discharge would be suicide worthy. gotta be more to that situation, no?

Kelly [redacted]

Today at 10:09pm

Kelly [redacted]

October 8 at 9:41pm

he had a trial scheduled for 10/25/2007 after beating me and the NAVY warned him that were he to be convivted he would be dishonorably discharged.

He was 12 years old than myself and had had an addiction a decadde prior to me meeting him; I think he relapsed. Danny’s goal with the NAVY was to serve 20 years and then retire, so he felt that the discharge was too much…