Archive for November, 2008

My brother and his child bride are awesome

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

My half brother (pops kid, previous marriage, up to speed now? k,cool. lets keep this rollin), whom I spent Thanksgiving with earned a 10% “you’re cool now” credit with this little anecdote he shared at Thanksgiving dinner…

I was seated to the right of his new bride whom he married the week prior and with whom he has 3 children (if you’re doing the math at home, that means that yes, the babies came before the “i do”, but she didnt want to be preggers at her own wedding so it got delayed a few times). The actual numbers aren’t important (mostly because I don’t know them for sure) - she’s a year or so younger than me and he’s a decade plus years older than me. Whatever. So I’m seated next to the dad.. and he says something along lines of me getting married - be it “when are you?” or “soon it’ll be yours” or “i guess you’ll be next huh?” - i don’t remember. also not the important part of the story. The fun started when I gave the answer I always do, which is that my future wife may not even be born yet, and if she is, she’s probably just now learning to read, so lets not jump the gun on the Richards-wedding thing.

So he chuckles and thinks about it for a second out loud, saying “boy, I don’t if I can do that”, to which I ask “what do you mean?” and he sayyyyyyz: “I don know…If I were 30somethin? and gettin together with an 18 year old girl? i just don’t think i’d be able to handle it” - referring to the lifestyle, interests and maturity gap. but the comedy gold comes in that he quickly cut himself off with that thought as he suddenly realized “er, well - i guess it works sometimes though” while making an “oh ya” type hand gesture to my brother and his daughter who are in exactly that situation.

All of that is still the setup to the REAL fun though, which was that that instance got my brother to openly share the fact that he got his now-wife in trouble at school while they were “dating” because the principal caught them “stealin some kisses” a few times when he’d drop her off at high school, adding that “[the principal] didn’t like to see those kinda smooches” with a laugh.

And if that’s not awesome. then - no. nevermind that cliche. it is awesome.

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Internet slang and boobs

Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
BigDogDaddy83: you’ve been using a lot of internet lingo lately… everything ok?
Richar900: nah. lol, wtf & idk’s are okay. not abnormal
BigDogDaddy83: oh really? And how do ya feel about brb?
Richar900: also allowed
BigDogDaddy83: hmmm, so then what
BigDogDaddy83: what’s NOT allowed?
BigDogDaddy83: rofl’s?
BigDogDaddy83: lmao’s?
BigDogDaddy83: I’m ok with it
Richar900: correct. along with ttfn unless used ironically
BigDogDaddy83: ew I hate ttfn
BigDogDaddy83: Who the hell still says ta ta anyway unless referring to boobs
BigDogDaddy83: In which case it’s not really “ta ta”… it’s more like “HOLY COW! LOOK!!! TATAS!!!!!!”
Richar900: i think i would have to shoot anyone that visibly excited about boobs
Richar900: it should be more like “aye say. *sips tea* if you direct your attention to the direction i’m looking, i think you’ll be pleased to find a pair of rather visually appealing breasts”
Richar900: and then your buddy goes “indeed! i dare say i would fancy a bout with my face betwix them whilst impersonating a mortar powered water craft” and you both share a jolly good chuckle.

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DK2 victory proves God loves me again

Monday, November 17th, 2008

Donkey Kong Country 2 Pictures, Images and PhotosI just beat Donkey Kong Land 2 on my colorless, non-lit-screen Gameboy circa 1996. I had reached the last boss earlier today in my backyard while sunning myself (FYI: it’s been sweatyballs weather here in Southern California lately this November) when the game shut off due to dead batteries right when I was heading back inside anyway.

Just now I got the urge to play again but my house is absent of double A’s so I had to play on the remaining life of the known-to-be-dead ones. I played. I fought. I won. Totally killed Captain K. Rool and saved Donkey Kong (in DK2 you play as Diddy and his hot blonde girlfriend Dixie who can move her ponytail like it were the actual tail of a pony, and also has a super equilibrium that insures she never gets dizzy). I got to watch the entire ending on that tiny shitty screen and right when it was over? -blip- Gameboy shuts off.

God let those batteries last long enough to allow my victory and the enjoyment of its spoils. Thanks God. I owe you a solid (not applicable to going to church, giving to charity or doing kind deeds).

Course, naturally, I couldn’t see shit on that screen, so I youtubed the ending and learned a lot: like that its a gun K Rool is shooting at you and the same gun that he’s using to glide to each side of the screen (i thought he was either a robot or had skates on the Gameboy).

Here’s the ending in its SNES glory:

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Female weightlifting and girls with testicles

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008
ILuvSprklyThngz: its so amazing outside here how is it there?
richar900: what does amazing mean in context of weather?
richar900: its sunny and warm here
ILuvSprklyThngz: yes lol
ILuvSprklyThngz: its just cool enough to wear a hoody in the morning and at nite
ILuvSprklyThngz: but i guess thats changing back to hot this weekend
richar900: where are you at exactly?
ILuvSprklyThngz: south of orlando
ILuvSprklyThngz: i just had the absolut worst meet of my entire weightlifting career this weekend
richar900: why
ILuvSprklyThngz: most everyone has to make weight before meets that just normal
ILuvSprklyThngz: and i have never ever not made weight
ILuvSprklyThngz: i always start 3 weeks ahead so theres no crashing
ILuvSprklyThngz: but this time i lost 5 kilos in the three weeks but still had 5 lbs to go
ILuvSprklyThngz: and ususally you just sweat that out
ILuvSprklyThngz: but i had nothing left
ILuvSprklyThngz: i did everything possible
ILuvSprklyThngz: i sat in the car with the heat on and trash bags and sweats for 40 min and did not even sweat
ILuvSprklyThngz: nothing
ILuvSprklyThngz: so i could not lift
ILuvSprklyThngz: and it was the qualifyer for the american open
ILuvSprklyThngz: and the state championship
ILuvSprklyThngz: so
ILuvSprklyThngz: needlass to say there was alot of shock
ILuvSprklyThngz: but i was just very dissapointed in myself
ILuvSprklyThngz: still am
ILuvSprklyThngz: a bit
richar900: how did you go wrong?
richar900: what caused you to not make weight?
ILuvSprklyThngz: ive gained some muscle
ILuvSprklyThngz: but there was just no fat to give up
ILuvSprklyThngz: and i was so dehydrated that there was no water weight to lose
ILuvSprklyThngz: so i have no choice but to move up a weight class
ILuvSprklyThngz: they have wanted me to for so long but i just dont want to
ILuvSprklyThngz: but i have no choice now
ILuvSprklyThngz: it just means i have to be able to lift even more
ILuvSprklyThngz: this was just a really big meet and it was the first time that i actually had all my non lifting friends coming for support becuase i really needed to qualify
ILuvSprklyThngz: and i had to call them and tell them all not to come becuase i was leaving
ILuvSprklyThngz: that sucked
richar900: sorry to hear it
ILuvSprklyThngz: thanks
ILuvSprklyThngz: now i have to lift with the really big girls
richar900: so now you’re stuck in the new weight class for a period? or you can get re-weighed and lowered next meet?
ILuvSprklyThngz: my body just wont go down anymore
ILuvSprklyThngz: i have to move up
ILuvSprklyThngz: the only thing i got left to lose is my chest
ILuvSprklyThngz: and that didnt even budge
ILuvSprklyThngz: lol
richar900: just relax in some areas so you lose a little muscle mass
ILuvSprklyThngz: im just really tall for a weightlifter so i have to compensate with lifting more becuase i weigh more
richar900: dont sacrifice tits for muscle. jesus. what is wrong with you.
ILuvSprklyThngz: lolol
ILuvSprklyThngz: i tried it didnt work
ILuvSprklyThngz: theres to much there anyways
ILuvSprklyThngz: but it didnt budge
ILuvSprklyThngz: they are there for good
richar900: they? wait. are you talking about your muscles or your rack?
ILuvSprklyThngz: my chest
ILuvSprklyThngz: lolol
richar900: well good. they should stay put.
ILuvSprklyThngz: now i just have to get my head back in the game and just start hitting bigger numbers
richar900: and the roids
ILuvSprklyThngz: lolol no thanks
ILuvSprklyThngz: i dont want to look like thatr
ILuvSprklyThngz: lol
richar900: why not? its good for you. puts hair on your chest.
ILuvSprklyThngz: lolololol
ILuvSprklyThngz: thats just nasty
richar900: ya, i guess youre right. you dont want your balls to shrink.
ILuvSprklyThngz: lololololololol
ILuvSprklyThngz: hey i  found out in human sexuallity today (most demented professor ever ) that some girls do have them
ILuvSprklyThngz: without the roids
ILuvSprklyThngz: lolo
richar900: shutup. youdidnot
richar900: is that the prof that wants to bang you?
ILuvSprklyThngz: oh but unfortunanly i did
ILuvSprklyThngz: she is a crazy lady
ILuvSprklyThngz: thank god im on scholarship or i would be pissed to be paying for this class
richar900: how come? finding out that chicks have balls is important life education
ILuvSprklyThngz: no the fact that her best friend is a man that meows back if he doesnt like the question you ask him
ILuvSprklyThngz: info i dont need
richar900: ….wut
ILuvSprklyThngz: and the fact that the fist day of class we were instructed to tear out the middle 826 pages of the book that cost 320 dollars
richar900: why
ILuvSprklyThngz: becuase the middle deals with human emotion and love and how it pertains to sex
ILuvSprklyThngz: and she finds that boring
richar900: ya. fuck that.
richar900: she sounds awesome
ILuvSprklyThngz: so the fron of the book that deals with abnormal behaviors
ILuvSprklyThngz: and the back that deals with all kind of fetishes
ILuvSprklyThngz: its what she wants to teach
ILuvSprklyThngz: today was all about fisting
ILuvSprklyThngz: oh joy
richar900: i have that book. “the joy of fisting”
ILuvSprklyThngz: omg
ILuvSprklyThngz: i know you are kidding right
richar900: dont act like you and the bf never tried it, or got a little kinky with an 8 pound hand weight or something
ILuvSprklyThngz: uhhh that would be a big negaitve
ILuvSprklyThngz: thats just sick
ILuvSprklyThngz: it was pertaining to men
ILuvSprklyThngz: it appeaars i am one of the only straight people in this class
ILuvSprklyThngz: which i have absolutly no problem with
ILuvSprklyThngz: however it can be a tad uncomfortable when these  are what the topics are
ILuvSprklyThngz: then i get to leave that class and go to abnormal psych
ILuvSprklyThngz: i just love tuesday  and thursday
richar900: hook me up with a lipstick lez in your class. theres gotta be at least one
ILuvSprklyThngz: lolol
ILuvSprklyThngz: next semesters classes are even better
ILuvSprklyThngz: i am going to warped by the time i grad uate
richar900: then we’ll convince whatshername (your friend that im gonna giggidygiggidy) to have a 3way and itll be awesome. ill totally send you pics. itll be great
richar900: then we’ll all go out for lunch and have a jolly good laugh over it all
ILuvSprklyThngz: lolololoololololooolll
ILuvSprklyThngz: all of my friends are gorgeous
richar900: how come i only know of one then. quit holding out on me
ILuvSprklyThngz: look at my pics
ILuvSprklyThngz: they are all in them
richar900: send me a comment and ill click over next time im logged in
ILuvSprklyThngz: i was looking today and my friends tryed to cheer me up sat nite and she tagged me in some pics and i was so freaking dehydrated that my neck looks like it wont hold my head up
ILuvSprklyThngz: lol
ATTENTION: Direct IM session initiated.
ILuvSprklyThngz: did it go?
richar900: yes
ATTENTION: Direct IM session disconnected.
richar900: and that would be a double negative chief
ILuvSprklyThngz: what??
richar900: cha
ILuvSprklyThngz: what is?
richar900: they. erm… level of attractiveness?
ILuvSprklyThngz: are you kidding??
ATTENTION: Direct IM session initiated.
richar900: def not
ILuvSprklyThngz: in the middle ?
ILuvSprklyThngz: sandy??
ATTENTION: Direct IM session disconnected.
ILuvSprklyThngz: did it go?/
richar900: yes. and… you suck at rating hotchicks
ILuvSprklyThngz: lol
ILuvSprklyThngz: sry
richar900: they look like very nice people. probably real cool and great personalities. but. thats about it
ILuvSprklyThngz: thanks aloooot
ILuvSprklyThngz: so do i look like ass?
ILuvSprklyThngz: lol
ILuvSprklyThngz: well i  must go try to put on some of that weight
ILuvSprklyThngz: lolol
richar900: ug…that hurts me to hear a girl say that in any context
richar900: but ok
ILuvSprklyThngz: lololl
ILuvSprklyThngz: have a great rest of the day!!
richar900: will do
ILuvSprklyThngz: and avoiding a question does not boost a girls self esteem!!
I normally don’t give my friends the pleasure/displeasure/neutralinthepleasuredepartment publicity of identifying them visually on these IM convo’s, but since she talked about her weight lifting, I think its necessary to display the body type difference between that and body building.

(more…)

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Resist the Change. Return to Retro

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

In anti-Obama change-resistant mode, my body began craving oldschool video games after the election on the 5th. Mostly Nintendo games that I missed out on growing up or SNES games that were unavailable to me because I picked the wrong system in the 16-bit wars.

donkey kong. Pictures, Images and Photos

My first choice was the Megaman series for NES, but an NES was unavailable to me since apparently my aunt got rid of hers years ago. Choice 2 was Donkey Kong Country for SNES. also unavailable to me, so I asked Santa for the system and the 3 games in the series, to which Santa/my mom was extremely surprised. Until then I have all 3 on Gameboy. not Gameboy DS. not Gameboy Advance. not even Gameboy Color… just… regular shitty Gameboy Pocket.

I pried out the crusty oxidized double A batteries from it, chose DK2 and picked up a saved game that hadn’t been played since 1998 when my family moved from NY to Missouri and I played the games to pass the time. I played Kirbys Dreamland and Wario 2 more though, so this DK2 game wasn’t very far along. Still, it was fun, but the graphics were terrible. Seriously Gameboy? No color or backlit screen even? Wtf? I also had a GameGear, which I loved dearly despite it containing hardly any enjoyable games. Here Gameboy was with the better games and no way to enjoy them without extreme hunching and squinting.

Whatever. Donkey Kong Country RULES. Man did I really miss out having a shitty Sega Genesis instead of an awesome SNES. This has been bothering me for over a decade, but even more now that I experience what exactly I was missing.

Dear Sega:

Die. Oh wait. you did. cuz you suck. Eff you.

-Richard

PS Afterthought: I was about to save this post when I saw Obama’s name there at the top in a dangerously close proximity to an image of an ape and thought “oh no’s! that means I’m racist now!”. Dammit. screw it. I’m not changing a thing. the dude’s president. racism is dead. send your hatemail to the 2nd ventricle of my colon (where the jokes on you, suckers, cuz colons dont have ventricles! lolz!!!1)

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Dear Mikey lovers: don’t say I didn’t try…

Monday, November 10th, 2008

Sorry ju guys. As much as I hate deeply to disappoint the hundreds of thousands of fans who were feverishly following the FMFS (Feminine Mikey Facebook Saga), I gotta call it to a close for my own sake. Don’t try and make me feel bad about it cuz I put in HOURS negotiating with this schmuckluck to see if a friendly re-joining could be possible, but OY. I’m sorry… he’s just too god damn annoying. no longer friend material. I tried for you guys who frequently voice your love for the old material on richardland he was a part of, but I’m sorry - I’M SORRY OKAY????? - he’s just too far down the rabbit hole of douchitude to be recovered at this point.

To give you an idea of what an assface the once great Feminine Mikey has become, here is a rundown of the first sentence of every paragraph in his latest Facebook reply. Read this horseshit and keep in mind that these messages are supposed to convey “I’m sorry I was such an asshole in the past, but I really want to make it up to you and try to be friends again”.

Maybe its me, so you tell ME if that’s the tone YOU glean here when you read these openers:

MIKEY: Jesus Richard.  Way to make an ultimately simple statement confusing and overly complicated.

Context: Instead of being grateful that I’m actually putting thought and effort into replying to his messages and contuing to steadfastly make his case, he won’t stop whining about how I’m being too mean to him in my replies, so I gave him this awesome deal: vote for the other guy instead of your original choice in the Nov 4 election and I’ll tone down the rhetoric a little in return. He couldn’t wrap his head around the whole “do something as a sign of good faith and i’ll tamp down the mean words as a return-favor” concept, claiming that if my harsh words can be graciously waved due to an act of concession then they lose credibility. I replied to let him know that he’s retarded for thinking that, and apparently that was me making a simple statement confusing and overly complicated. douchebag.

Comment: Really? Even if you’re so much of a weak little bitch to get frustrated at someone you’re trying to apologize to and regain favor with do you really show how flustered you are with an exasperated “Jesus” and go on to blame the person you’re supposedly trying to curry favor with? is there a BETTER way to send a stronger translation of “I suck at life. pleae don’t take my apologies seriously”?. It’s cool to go that route if the person you’re apologizing to is actually being retarded in response to you, cuz then you’re really just JudgeJudy-ing them into a no-nonsense approach to forgiveness with no added horsecrap onto the load the apologizer is already admitting is there.

Instead, Mikey is just a little shit whose frequently wrong and easily frustrated when challenged, so that explaining something in simplistic terms so he could understand it automatically becomes unnecessarily “confusing” and “complicated”.

And FYI: “overly complicated” is redundant you twit. I didn’t tell him that cuz it would be an unnecessary diversion.

MIKEY: Now, on to this online chapter book you’ve presented…

Context: he’s making a derogatory comment about the length of my reply.

Comment: Really? you think it’s a good idea to insult the time taken by someone who hates you but gives you lengthy and thoughtfully written reactions to your whiny ass little pleas anyway?

And a “chapter book” is a childrens book, so I don’t know if he’s claiming I was using child-level vocabulary, or if he didn’t know that chapter book was a real phrase and he was just trying to say “a book long enough to have chapters” to insult the length of my reply while i was hearing him out on his request to be my god damn friend again.
I didn’t tell him any of that cuz it would be an unnecessary diversion.

MIKEY: I can’t believe you’ve injected politics into this discussion…way to make an already overly drawn-out topic even more overly drawn-out.

Context: when he said why he could never vote for the other guy earlier, he said a bunch of stuff that wasn’t true, so I corrected him.

Comment: Really? you can’t believe that after you talked about politics to someone that they would reply? Really? I would want to be friends with someone this easily shocked, why again?

MIKEY: The fault lays with you here, Bush.  Cause I didn’t sound like I misspoke from the beginning.

Context: He mentioned how votes don’t count (electoral college-wise) in California and it’s too bad my vote couldn’t be put to use back in Missouri. I misunderstood and commented on it - he explained his original comment further and in the reply to that I said his explanation makes sense and my bad for not getting it on the first go-around.

Comment: Really? You think its useful to keep going on the “I was right! you misunderstood! YOUR fault!” path even after the other person says “yup. you were right. i misunderstood. my fault”?
And calling me Bush (not a nickname I’ve ever taken)? wtf.

le sigh

So can I finally get a little wut-wut here? (I heard a black person on tv say that so I adopted it. its in the right context, right?). I mean, I’m as sorry as you are, guys. I “mate” for life with my friends, so when they destroy the relationship I hate it and there’s always an open invitation to apply to re-enter richardland after doing appropriate pennance but - more importantly - proving that you’re worth the re-entry. If you’re not friend material, thennnnnn…wtf

I promise I gave him more than a fair shot. Femanine
Mikey just sucks at life too bad to be recovered right now.

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Thoughts on our new President

Tuesday, November 4th, 2008

O-BA-MAH O-BA-Ya, you can pretty much see where that’s going I guess. The real thing to be happy about on this historic occasion that no one is honest enough to point out is that the biggest achievement about Obama’s election as president is that he exists in the first place as an option. Cuz, hi. Newsflash to racial minorities: we would have voted you into high office decades ago if you just gave us the chance. You didn’t. The Obama victory is not a time to be happy because we’re finally less racist now, its a time to be happy because our racial minorities are finally improving their lives on their own a tad more and slowly - oh so painfully slowly - allowing the racist remnants of times and events long past to STILL keep them down today.

Also: everyone who was expecting President Obama to suddenly fix your crappy life with his magic touch powered by unfiltered HopenChange ore? Boy are YOU in for the surprise ending of a disappointment times a million. Do yourself a ha-uuuge favor and go ahead and be prepared for nothing to change in your life unless you change it. You voted in “change” on tax policy and court justices. not your life. The problem with Obama’s excitement generation (ya, I checked. there’s only one) is that he “inspired” so many people…to… vote for him. Not to actually DO anything. Just to get excited about his campaign. Erm: that ain’t enough fellas.

As far as danger in store for the new administration? My PSP (Post Script Prediction) is that the Obama’s will get Hot, not Shot. But please? Crazies? Could we please be cool about this? I would really appreciate it if you go ahead and not try to kill our new president. Cool? can we accomplish that please? I know its “about that time” for another assassination attempt, and Obama’s JFK qualities are getting some people buzzing with historical patterns in the space/time continuum, but…maybe we just go ahead and not. do that? Really, that’d be great.

What do I mean by “hot, not shot”? Wutch u THINK it means, bitch? Jk. My second prediction, after no murder attempt being made on President elect Obama, is that Malia (shown in red below. classy red. not “wtf are you wearing?” red, like her mom) will get hot.

The possibility will become more clear over the years and by midway into dads possible 2nd term, she’ll be full-on jailbait to all you terrible people. Little Sasha has potential sure - obviously - Barack and Michelle are pretty good looking, so gene-wise, they both have a fair shot at being attractive when they enter adulthood, but its still a guessing game on that front for awhile. Plus, anyone who knows sisters knows that there’s gonna be at least a 5 point difference in the attractive scale, so we’ll see if my call requires a revisiting later on (check back in 6-9 years for an update).

I have an excellent track record on judging the percentage of likelihood that a child will blossom into a pretty teenager and/or hot adult (both usually don’t occur. its either ugly duckling or reverse uglyduckling unfortunately) or not and at this juncture, I can confirm that Malia’s got the goods on which to build on. the only thing that could ruin it for her is if she either gains food-weight under the pressure’s of being first-kid for that stage in her life or fails to lose her baby fat (not her fault) a la Hillary Duff (gross), who still looks like a child to me because her face never matured from when she was just a kid.

So congratulations to dark people for churning out something we can all say “yes we can” to - no one try to kill him please - and keep an eye on Malia as she sails through her awkward years in the Washington goldfish bowl for the next 4 years till the Romney’s move in.

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