I didn’t leave until 3PM… Since I have things to fricken do outside this state, I couldn’t wait another 3 weeks, so they fixed the crown there, fiddled with it in my mouth a few times before taking it back into the lab – wait an hour – coming back – more attempts – more x-rays (i probably got cancer today) – and more taking it back until it was finally fixed.

Oh well. today is wasted though. so I can’t leave tomorrow like I planned. Saturday is the new departure date…

I scheduled a dentist appointment for 10AM and another at 1PM so I was in the chair being worked on all day (fillings + fixing botched root canal from last year) and it wasn’t nearly as bad an experience as I was prepared for. The inability to navigate between talk radio podcasts since I couldn’t look at my god damn iPhone screen however was worse than I was prepared for.

I only have brief moments where I am able to hold the device above my head and see wtf I’m doing, so in between those opportunities I try to mind-map where the hell I’m going on screen.

First double punch the home button to activate the screen. check.
Slide to unlock. check.
Follow home button quarter of an inch north for iPod button. WRONG. you just pressed the phone button.
Press middle of the screen to open what you think is podcast show list but since you’re really in the phone section of the device is actually your address book. check.
Press what you think is a podcast and listen at 2x speed for 18 minutes and then repeat. Hear ringing sound and realize what happened. dammit. Hear female voice say “hello?”. FUCK. you just called Lauren. Quick quick – find the cancel button – go go COME ON GOD DAMMIT! – no, thats no -yes, THERE – CANCEL. whew… repeat process. succeed. forget that you hate your iPhone. check.

My tooth was throbbing out of my skull with a dull beaming discomfort after the dentist today so I stopped at a gas station to get some IB profin and some how ended up paying $5.50 for a crappy convenience “we have you by the balls cuz you’re buying medacine at a gas station” priced 4 pill pack of Motrin, a Snickers that cost more than a burger and fries at McDonalds and a strawberry Quick by Nestlie, which they want you to call “Nesquick” (never, never, never).

I took the prof, and it was awesome. Like magic, the pain went away. whoah.

I’ve only taken maybe 4 drugs of that kind in my life, including aspirin and Tylenol and had never noticed a difference. These amazing little med-candies though just hit the off-switch in the pain control center right away, which I assume is how those things work. It doesn’t make sense to me. Like, how the eff does this pill know whats hurting and to go shut if off? It can’t. so wtf is going on? It’s just numbing my pain receivers everywhere? So I could find out what a lethal dose of the stuff is and take just under that amount and go around beating myself with a frying pan n stuff?

I also don’t take over-the-counter drugs ever because I don’t want them living in me, which, since I never feel their effects, I assume is what they do. Like the David Hyde Pierce voiced pill in Osmosis Jones that just starts a new frigging life all up in Bill Murray and never fkking dissolves. Wtf? That’s messed up.

I started to feel pinprick pains in one of my molars in October 2008 so I went to the dentist. They said the tooth is fine, took xrays and everything, but said I had a minor cavity in ANOTHER tooth that wasn’t bothering me. So I said screw you guys (or maybe it was “good DAY to you sir!”, i dont remember) and left without further work getting done on it. One year later, the same tooth has been slowly but surely bothering me but starts to get pretty uncomfortable so I go to a different dentist to have it looked at.

GOOD NEWS! There is in fact a crack in the giant ass filling I’ve had in that tooth since 6th grade or so, and bacteria has been slowly leaking into that crack and feasting on my tooth, creating a cavity UNDER NEATH my god damn filling. It went so far into the tooth that it hit the tooths nerve, and when that happens you need to scrape the frigging nerve entirely out and fill the space back in with putty – a process commonly known as a mother f#cking root canal…

This awesome process involves sawing off the top of my tooth (with an actual aluminum saw – probably rusty) and scraping out all the gunk inside it, filling the hole with cement and putting a fake tooth top over the bloody mess. Oh ya, and it costs $2,500. and oh ya, making internet comedy videos and blogs whilst freelance modeling and non-union acting in California apparently comes without dental insurrance(??). I know. who knew. So that’s the awesome situation I’m in right now!

Way to go God/evolution! Nerves in mother f#cking teeth are SO necessary! GOOD THINKING!

During the cleaning, the girl told me I was “doing a really good job at home” since she barely was able to scrape any plaque off and my gums didn’t bleed during the flossing. I’m doing a really good job? SO not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be a plaque ridden bloody mess. I wanted her to say “dear God, its good that you finally came to the dentist after 4 years since your last check up!”. But no. I was doing as good a job as they would do, at my house, for free.

The dentist comes and chats with me for a little. I tell him that in addition to my suspected cavity, something is wrong with some of my molars. Probably a filling that is leaking. Cuz when I eat gooey or gummie sweets, I get pinprick pains in them. So he taps around my teeth a little with his mini Captain Hook hand and nothing hurts. Then he tells me I have a small cavity where I thought I had one, except on my upper teeth.

What. the fuck? Neither of my two pains yielded real life results, but one that I’ve never felt before exists? Umm. Die?

Well, I wasn’t gonna argue with the guy with the X-rays in his hand, so I said alrighty and was processed out at the front counter.

The bill was $150.

I just paid people $150… to brush my mother effing teeth.