settin inta ah nice Epsom-salt bubble bath with my tray of butter and Apple [computer] remote to soak for a spell n watch some Hulu while i eat an artichoke and bowl of noodles. i heart my life.

It produced the following comments from the following people:

John Gogel
thats not gay at all

Jaimee Jay
I looked up “homosexual” in the dictionary and found your pic right next to it

David Anthony MacNeil
Really? Because I found it next to “metrosexual”!

This is a classic mistake you should all learn from. These guys shoot their gay wads way too soon. See, if you bust it out on “watching The Cleveland Show while eating dinner in a muscle relaxer bath”, then what will you have to bring when im slathering up in baby oil listening to Lady Gaga in my room equipped with flashing green lights around the ceiling in preparation to watch the last DHW (desperate houswives) on my dvr while i eat strawberries and Cool Whip in bed?

nothing. cuz you lack discipline and fail at endurance. like these two.

The Facebook-status comments continue after David’s (an actual homosexual) reply that actions like dinner in a bubble bath is “metrosexual” (slang for a heterosexual male that engages in self maintenance and hygiene more typical of a female) and not “homosexual” are shown to be controversial:

Jaimee Jay
No, homosexual. Justin Timerlake is metrosexual, David Beckham is mextrosexual..Richard Bushnell is homosexual, clearly into men.

John Gogel
i like her, o and i would call ther [sic] person who says “im slathering up in baby oil listening to Lady Gaga in my room equipped with flashing green lights around the ceiling in preparation to watch the last DHW (desperate houswives) on my dvr while i eat strawberries and Cool Whip in bed” a FLAMING HOMO who plays the skin flute

Jaimee is just releasing sexual tension toward me, so thats fine and to be expected, but Johns horrible comeback of “a really gay, Gay, who does gay sex things” is a perfect illustration of the kind of “you got nuthin left” redundancy i mentioned, thereby proving my point.

Enter Jon Gatto, who does internetz right and plays along:

Jonathan Gatto
shock and awe shock and awe. And lets not downplay the role of suburban women and their everyday trials and tribulations in a cult a sac environment. It isnt easy dealing with some of the heart wrenching and sometimes dicey situations of our soccer momish society of DHW. Theirs is a strength some would only dream of holding for a fraction of a second. Gonna skip the baby oil slatheration though.(well maybe not when Gabriele is on screen yumm)

In addition to the fact that “slatheration” should enter everyones vocabulary immediately, this exchange yields some interesting data in how exactly the “does Richard secretly love male buttholes?” question is handled. It’s raised by the 2 commenters with no romantic experience with females who quickly agree on “definitely gay” as their common conclusion while the openly homosexual says “definitely not gay” and the dude thats engaged ups the ante on the alleged gayness by at least 40%.

I see your 40 and raise you 60. your move, internet…

Can I ask a STUPID question? are you gay or straight?
because it does not matter either wayt to me
just wondering

First, I always like the “can i ask you a question?” question since, duh – they just did. Like how people say “are you gonna eat that?” while reaching for the thing they’re asking about or how my uncle Ted used to ask if he could touch a womans breast in mid-fondle. “Can i ask a STUPID question?” is even worse. but “can I ask you a STUPID question?” followed immediately by the stupid question is more than just stupid. its… whatever stupid x2 is (im too stupid to know offhand).

Then there’s the whole concept of publicly asking whether someone sucks c#ck or not. It’s like “hey, your profile doesn’t say you’re gay and you don’t have any pictures kissing dudes or attending Clay Aiken concerts and your status updates never mention getting boned in the ass or anything, buuuuut… i still get the sneaking suspicion that you’re a fag. im going to ask – not that it matters – but just cuz i want to know if this feeling about you having sex with dudes is correct. not that it matters.” and naturally this wouldn’t be in a private message, cuz who you have sex with isn’t private or anything, especially if its not public knowledge. doy.

Look, i get it.. i get the “i wonder if he’s a homosexual” thing. I’m energetic, maintain appearance, and play a kind of PeeWee Hermen-esque child version of myself in my richardland videos. It can be confusing at first glance and unless you take the time to see what is going on, it all smells a bit of flamie-mcQueer Sauce. but if you REALLY want to know and REALLY can’t be bothered with scratching the surface of investigating my heterosexuality (not like i dont have a website and profile on every social networking site ever that comments on relationships, exploits or at very least attraction to females), then dude. show some tact.

This was the comment i responded with:

Can I ask a STUPID question? im going to go ahead and ask it before you say yes or no because i dont really give a crap about the answer. i just said that so i feel better about asking, cuz its like i asked your permission even though i really didnt.

are you a whore or not? because it does not matter either way to me well, it matters enough to ask on your public comments, but im not gonna judge your prostituting either direction. im just wondering if you fuck for money.

See girls (and its always a girl)? thats what you sound like. you’re saying “hey, you give off an appearance that makes me think this thing about your sex life. you dont publicly say it, so im just gonna publicly ask”. Again, its not the curiosity I’m mocking. that’s normal, human, acceptable, etc. just don’t try to solve your curiosity in a such a retarded manner or you open the doors to ridicule.

UPDATE: Naturally, she handled it badly, got offended, wrote a big long rant about how I “could have just deleted the comment or answered that its personal”, blah blah blah. except its NOT personal. and i left the comment there because it reflects badly on her, not me. but she deleted the comment off my page. I don’t understand why.. why post it publicly if you’re just going to chicken out and get rid of it?

UPDATE 2: I’ve been unfriended and unfollowed on twitter… Today I was hated on for being straight. #No Hate

UPDATE 3: here comes the hate on Twitter…

I haven’t had someone display this level of un-selfaware hypocrisy in awhile. It’s fascinating. She thinks there’s nothing wrong with asking ME about who I bang, but is outrageously outraged that I do the same to her. the reason, presumably is that she finds the thought that someone would look at her and suspect she receives money for intercourse offensive even though I specified that I do not find it offensive myself (thus making it okay for me to ask). So does it occur to her that maybe someone else might find it just as offensive, regardless of her own opinion on the subject, that she would ask them if they have anal sex with men?  evidently not. because i “is [sic] just a angry [sic], think he is somebody, ASSHOLE!”. and this is not another 14 year old emo-whore online, mind you. this woman is 40 years old… ya…

It’s early in the year so there is still a chance to be beaten, but so far this c#nt is in the running for the “most unintentionally ironic statement of the year” award in saying “Next time u need 2 think before u type back 2 me…”

UPDATE 4: She’s gone back to multiple tweeting, lying about me. she’s claiming i got my “friends” to “spam” her (thats what she calls 2 people on twitter responding to my tweets about this saga) and falsly claiming that my facebook profile was changed after all this to reflect that im “interested in women”. sorry whore, but ive never changed that part of my profile. not now, not recently, not ever. you fail.

turns out i can’t fault the young man, as when i investigated his page, it was clear that merely allowing him on my friends list is legit suspicion that i was cruising…. is Myspace dead? *takes off glasses*… Gentleman.. I rest my case.

mmm[bop]. prolly shouldnt repeat that so ima tell you one time.

Since I’m not gonna link to the very NSFW pictures on this page, ill just pain the picture for you: everything female, from hair to implants, but with a very prominent penis… charming.

It’s good to reconnect with old acquaintances…

devinbuttfingers: I’m all drunk n shit
devinbuttfingers: Drunk driving
misterawesome10: quit it
devinbuttfingers: Nah
devinbuttfingers: I’m good
misterawesome10: not amusing
devinbuttfingers: I don’t really give a fuck
misterawesome10: see, what’d i tell you about this… i like it so much better when i dont have to block you
devinbuttfingers: Whatever man
devinbuttfingers: I don’t care
devinbuttfingers: Bye!
misterawesome10: yea yea. but i do. later.
devinbuttfingers: You’re a nobody, do what you fucking please
misterawesome10: thanks for the permission. idk what’d id do without it
devinbuttfingers: K

i never know what they’re trying to accomplish either. cry for help? doubtful. i think they’re just punk ass dramaqueens who dont have anyone to talk to but don’t have the self security to be politely social so they think their only option is to randomly text, call or in this case phone-IM someone about how badz they’re beingz (omglulzuguyzzz).

Luckily I’m not really friends with this person, but you all still know how I bond with random people so that fact doesnt change a whole lote really. once I spend more than 8 seconds on you, I’ve made an investment so I still dont want you to fkkn DIE. or brag about how you’re ruining your life, which stupid California bitches are constantly doing… sigh. Its not like I ever pretend that the privilege of talking to me is a great honor to these dopes, but cutting them off or putting them on temporary blockage if they’re gonna be self destructive suck@lifers and proudly message me with late-breaking-updates about it is just…necessary. like. wtf.

Same dude messaged me again about an hour later:

devinbuttfingers: Night ugly
misterawesome10: glad you made it home ok
devinbuttfingers: I’m watching Orphan
devinbuttfingers: Eating donuts
devinbuttfingers: Mmmmm
devinbuttfingers: Shopping tomo
devinbuttfingers: And then hitting the gay club up
devinbuttfingers: !!!!
devinbuttfingers: Yay
devinbuttfingers: Omg
devinbuttfingers: I’m sooo excited
devinbuttfingers: I broke so many fucking necks tonite

ya….

UPDATE: the next day, 1PM his time (I’m in Hawaii where its still morning at the moment) he messages me AGAIN to tell me – what? what do you think?… well if you guessed:

devinbuttfingers: I’m neckbreakin as usual
devinbuttfingers: Haha

you win nothing.

UPDATE 2: idk why this gentleman is intent on picking a fight instead of sticking to making peoples necks broke this fine Halloween day, but about an hour later he messaged me AGAIN:

devinbuttfingers: Fuck you
misterawesome10: why are you so nasty lately. enough already
devinbuttfingers: I was talking
devinbuttfingers: And you weren’t replying
devinbuttfingers: So goodbye
misterawesome10: cuz you’re being a dick. or.. an ass. or. idk how to convey “jerk” without things that are probably compliments to you, but whatever.
misterawesome10: bye
devinbuttfingers: Hey I’m just gonna go ahead and block you on here
devinbuttfingers: Take care
devinbuttfingers signed off at 9:52 AM.
devinbuttfingers is offline and may receive your IMs when signing back in.
devinbuttfingers signed on at 9:52 AM.
misterawesome10: you did it wrong
devinbuttfingers: How
misterawesome10: im sure youll figure it out
devinbuttfingers: I hit block
devinbuttfingers: Wtf
devinbuttfingers: Oh ok
devinbuttfingers: I just gotta exit this convo
misterawesome10: ok
devinbuttfingers: Adios

Aw. sadz… no one likes to be dumped. especially when you’re so awesome. If only he hadn’t dumped me, i’d have given him THIS little gem: instead of rehashing the lame “neck brake” line all night (meaning he’s making other gay guys turn their heads for want of tapping that), why not step it up and say “breakin necks of Superman faster than Christopher Reeve’s horse”.

What…too esoteric to be funny? hey, fuck you guys. that’s a hilarious reference. If Family Guy did it, you’d all crack up like little bitches. BITCHES ya hear! *cries*

Nah, but fur reelz: he coulda had that. I woulda GIVEN him that. as a fkkn present. but now i’m gone…

Renholder5x: Did you see this http://somewhatdamaged.net/?p=2332
Richar900: saw the post but didnt watch. meant to do so later
Renholder5x: it’s an instant classic
Renholder5x: or maybe I’m just batshit insane

MEANWHILE… I received this…

CaptSuperGay69: You like my tats?
ATTENTION: Direct IM session initiated.

CaptSuperGay69: Whaddya think?
Richar900: catchy I suppose. I like it.

…hopefully you saw what happened there… if not:

Renholder5x: ?
Richar900: god DAMMIT
Richar900: i accidentally replied to that in the wrong IM…

…several seconds later:

Cyanide Tictacs: i hate aim so much right now
Richar900: i guarantee i hate it more than you right now
Cyanide Tictacs: i was talking to someone who talked a bunch of shit about my friend and i lost what she said.
Cyanide Tictacs: and the friend that was being talked shit about considered the shit talker as their best friend.
Richar900: i was talking to a friend about a youtube music video while also talking to a gay guy who sent me a picture of his erect penis without warning. i responded to who i thought was the youtube convo that it was catchy and i liked it. i had the wrong IM open and had responded to the gay dude…
Richar900: i win