dont feel bad for her. she was a cheating cokewhore. Shortly afterward Mel Gibson called wanting his crazy back.

–
*iphone is “new to me” 3gs that i got for $315 and decided didnt come with enough stuff so I bought a different one just now for $345 with all the goodies and a case for it, leaving me with 3 iPhones totaling over $700 when the point was to avoid paying $600 for the iPhone 4 (which is really what it costs without a contract w/ Att. -iknow,right?)

I got a first gen iPhone and killed it in the ocean in Hawaii when a waterproof bag was stressed too much. bought a new first gen iPhone at a reduced 200something bucks only 1 WEEK before the 3G was announced so ive been rockin the first gen silverback for 3 years and am finally experiencing the 3gs today. liking it but its making me want the 4.
Ashley should know better than to try to out-tech you. you teach her a good one…

I look at the phone and its calling Jimmy. Faaack. So I smack the dentists arm out of the way so I can get out of the home screen, back into the phone section and cancel that shit, almost cutting off multiple teeth from the dental drill in the process. I was able to end the call after only 3 rings. That’s enough to where maybe he won’t see it right?

Oh, you’re lost? Okay, well Jimmy and I aren’t friends anymore. We broke up the bromance June 08 when I dumped him for being a doucher with douchie little secrets [mainly a secret rendevous where coitus may or may not have been involved with my whore ex-gf]. Normal richardland policy is to keep broken friendships in the phone for up to a year so I know if they call, but I gave Jimmy an extension because he called a few months after the breaking asking if I wanted to be friends again. That was nice – I couldn’t accept of course, cuzfuckthat (you can’t just be like “hey, have I waited you out yet?” and hope i’ve just forgotten about shit) but the notion was real nice and showed real “he could come back from this” potential, so I kept him in the address book filed under “bad people”.

But he doesnt have that rule, so he’s not even gonna know its me. right? Ya. This is fine. it’ll be good. Except not really cuz he called back a few hours later. I have voicemail blocked unless you’re on an exclusive whitelist so he couldn’t leave a message. whew. I can just ignore this and pretend it never happened now, right? DAMMIT. He just texted me…

DAMMIT Bussey. Idk what to say to that… Cuz it could mean “you need something from me now you little bitch? hm? that why you’re crawlin back?” or it could mean “I saw that you attempted to contact me and I was concerned that you might be in need of service or assistance and despite our relationship status I’m still here to help if you need it”. Fuck you. That’s smooth. Plus he uses “u” instead of “you” to show he’s all casual and easybreazy like it aint no thang. DAMMIT.

Saw u called.. .. just checking to see if u need somethimg,

Wtf is that comma there for? Was he gonna write more and then deleted it? Something that would put further context to the intended tone? DAMN him taking Journalism in High School. He’s out-editing me.

Okay. just be cool. don’t panic… I came up with some possible responses and analyzed them:

1.) THE RECONCILER:

yes. I need you. back in my life… friend

DREAM ON hippies. we don’t do that shit in richardland. I’ll die without a friend in the world before I settle for ones I don’t respect and can’t trust, and I NEVER allow passage of time to excuse an unpunished crime.

2.) THE UNNECESSARILY HARSH & GHETTO BLASTBACK:

what, you think I would need anything from YOU? I cawled yo dumb ass by accident fool. sh!t n%gger. you aint nuthin. get tha f#ck up off mah phone.

Mmm. It would be fun. but would be entirely inappropriate for the circumstances considering we’re not fighting or are enemies. We ended the friendship on a gentlemens disagreement along the lines of “you suck at life. we’re not friends now. good day…”. So if I snapped back at a polite return contact (that I DID initiate after all), then I’d earn major douche points.

3.) THE MYSTERY:

Sorry. Disregard it please.

No details. no admission that it was an accident or implication it was intentional. Just a quick “nevermind” that leaves him to roam the earth forever as the madness of never knowing slowly eats away at his sanity. hmm…

4.) THE SUBTLE BAITED PARTING JAB

It was a mistake

and hoping he replies “what was a mistake?” I text back:

being friends with you

ooooo. snap dawg.

5.) THE COWARDS APPROACH:

[no response]

Myea… this is the one I ended up choosing… :/

I scheduled a dentist appointment for 10AM and another at 1PM so I was in the chair being worked on all day (fillings + fixing botched root canal from last year) and it wasn’t nearly as bad an experience as I was prepared for. The inability to navigate between talk radio podcasts since I couldn’t look at my god damn iPhone screen however was worse than I was prepared for.

I only have brief moments where I am able to hold the device above my head and see wtf I’m doing, so in between those opportunities I try to mind-map where the hell I’m going on screen.

First double punch the home button to activate the screen. check.
Slide to unlock. check.
Follow home button quarter of an inch north for iPod button. WRONG. you just pressed the phone button.
Press middle of the screen to open what you think is podcast show list but since you’re really in the phone section of the device is actually your address book. check.
Press what you think is a podcast and listen at 2x speed for 18 minutes and then repeat. Hear ringing sound and realize what happened. dammit. Hear female voice say “hello?”. FUCK. you just called Lauren. Quick quick – find the cancel button – go go COME ON GOD DAMMIT! – no, thats no -yes, THERE – CANCEL. whew… repeat process. succeed. forget that you hate your iPhone. check.

“Is there a way to tell if a razor has gone dull before you use it?” I ask my cousin and mother as I enter the kitchen looking like I had just won a pie eating contest.

I tried to illustrate how badly I sliced up my face, but thanks to unknown “hide blood on your face” feature built into the iphone, it unfortunately didn’t register very much in picture:

if the iphones camera didn't suck, you'd see 7 open cuts oozing blood instead of just one douchebag making a weird face looking at a screen

I never know when a razor goes bad and I can’t really count shaves because I use an electric 60% of the time. It can’t be just number of uses or just age though cuz I still use an old disposable shitty one that’s at least 4 years old sometimes (not this time) and it never cuts me. Sometimes I get scared cuz I saw a reenactment of this girl who died on [whatever that Discovery show's called that's a knock off tv series version of the Darwin awards] because she used an old rusty razor to shave her legs and got infected to death. I don’t like throwing away things that still have use to them though (which explains my ex-girlfriend record), so I’m willing to risk a gruesome death. At least I’ll be remembered as environmentally conscious or frugal or an eccentric weirdo moron who got what he deserved for using outdated product.