The worst part of having a relationship with a female human isn’t the nagging, the giant career killing anchor or the sex they always have with your best friend – its the after relationship decline in their lives. Gawwwd, I hate that. 100% of them, post-richard, have gained weight, gone back to brunette and downgraded in the man department. Is it so much to ask for just ONE time to have an ex-girlfriend take a respectable and sane period after breaking up with me, staying thin, hot and most importantly – blonde, and finding happiness with a dashing, wealthy 6′2 muscular former Marine?
It was this curse that I knew my dear sweet beloved Jessica Simpson was doomed. Even though we never dated, my love was strong enough to curse her. Girls are just allergic to it. It makes them swell and lower their standards. She may have stayed gone back to being blonde after a brief error and upgraded from Nick Lachgay but really? was it [realistically] possible to downgrade from Nick? and isn’t blonde a bad thing when you’re fat? cuz then it just gives the rest a bad name.
She was doing so great there for a solid 2 years. and now this. now…. this. a tragedy worse than Winehouse, worse than even past love Britney. What was once a gold standard in Aryan perfection, is not a blob of goo, haphazardly stuffed into a black tarp and pair of mom jeans.
I guess we finally found a way to make hell worse for Hitler.
The outfit even needed two belts to act as a makeshift corset to try and act as a damn to contain the waterballoons of jello within.
And as for the “leave Jessica alone” media, how bout you take your pro-fat people activism someplace where the populous give a damn, cuz this here is a’Mericah, mmk? Jessica Simpson is a famous millionaire because she’s a smoking hott chick with a talent. In a populous of hundreds of millions – we got lots a talent – we got less so much smokin hott broads. So unless your talent is a Guinness record breaker, you better damn well be attractive whilst rollin out your attention seeking career. Simpson abided by this rule and whored her image (and only her image, thankyou) out to shoot to popularity by hypnotizing us with her skin flashing magazine spreads and slutty car wash videos that just happened to be musically scored by her mediocre soundtracks.
WELL…You live by the whored you die by the whored. So when 80% of your job is to look slapyouintheface hott and you blow up like you just ate the untested 3 course meal gum with the blueberry pie defect from the Wonka factory, then guess who’s not allowed to complain about the populous being repulsed, disgusted and unapproving of your new unattractive fatty fattfatts?
Come back to us Jessica.
You can come back from this…
Come back……
“Original” Cap’n Crunch without Crunch Berries is like when ex-girlfriends wanna be friends with you. um, why would i want to REMOVE enhancements from a product i like? as in – make them not even available. at least when they’re present i can choose to eat the berries and in what quantity and proportion to the Crunch. but if they’re gone then i’m left with a limited and inferior product. how is that fun for me? it does nothing but highlight how lame and uninteresting the Crunch crispies are by themselves. are you still following my “lets be friends” analogy, ladies?
