Actually, the “lower standards” line is for humor. the truth is more like “re-adjust” your standards. its not that chick standards are necessarily “too high”, it’s that they’re just all kinds of wrong for what they actually want and need and is compatible with them.

One female friend comments:

Why do we have to do all the work? Guys, do yourselves a favor, fix yourself up, and all problems shall magically disappear.

The answer: Because it will not happen, ever.
Men are animals. women are the only things that civilize us. as long as trashy ho’s will sleep with a skeezy guy – he will never fix himself. ever. guaranteed. its not “work” you have to do. its being more discerning with whom you give yourselves to. we went from cavemen to hand kissing “throw my coat down on that puddle so m’lady’s dainty feet wilst not get muddy” conciliatory gentlemen because we had to. we became cavemen again because we can be. — the world would be a beautiful place if women would just avoid the company of bad men. instead, they flock to it and that which is rewarded will increase. every time. guaranteed.

Another friend comments with this scenario:

girl: i like bad boys
why?
girl: nice guys are boring

*broken girls like “bad boys”. healthy, well adjusted females who have an average or above relationship with their father do not like “bad boys”. the reason broken bitches flock to them is because the females most primal drive is safety and they dont feel safe with safe guys – they feel safe with alpha males even if theyre abusive because even if they beat the hell out of them theyd rather have that than face the big scary world alone without an alpha male “protecting” them.

Since I know you’re wondering: she was above average attraction level, just not my realm of attraction (ie: i wouldnt go near it but i would describe her to other male friends as pretty cute when telling them to go for it). i assumed she was an older sister or babysitter till she made my butthole clench saying “mommy”. eeeeee.

Actually, the mom was in a black jumpsuit and the kid was on a trike. oh wait – an updated illustration! lol:

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism where a person unconsciously denies their own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to other people. Thus, it involves imagining or projecting that others have those feelings.

Last night I was treated to the old “my problems are your problems” with a barrage of criticism that made no sense, including how junk food rich my diet is – which is really weird since I get that from other friends and family at random “I need something to criticize you with” points and it’s one of the worse excuses for an insult that exists. I get why they say it: cuz they’re stupid and their slow-ticking brains scanning my life looking for low points to cast aspersions on remember that I like pizza and hamburgers and I DON’T like a lot of every-day food like sandwiches and casseroles (any umbrella term to refer to anything mixed together, pretty much), therefore that must be all I eat. Yes, I stay so thin on a diet of burgers and pizza… morons. Even more moronic is when, like in this case, they’ve previously teased me for my health diets since I eat a lot of salad, have fruit and yogurt health shakes daily, take antioxidant mixes, fish oil and gluco-gel supplements and noni juice and goji berry concoctions. So they can pretty much just take their pick between “you eat like crap” and “you eat too healthy”.

Back to how I’m gonna die alone though: This chick also said how sorry she feels for my future wife cuz she would have to “sit and watch me be on the computer all day”. Mind you, this person also works at a computer based desk job, but I guess since I put in over-time (when you work for yourself, you actually like working more) a lot, that makes it different somehow. I get this one from stupid people a lot too and it’s just as retarded as the diet slam: 100% of these people know how often I travel, jog, go to events, throw my own and have watched and read of many of my exploits doing so – however – what I dont share publicly are the common things: the bars, clubs parties, relationships, etc are just as much shared in real life conversation as they are on richardland.com (which is to say “not very often”). I like it that way. Who the hell wants to hear about some lame party or girlfriend issue you’re having unless there’s an underlying entertainment aspect to it? THEN I’ll go on to storytime. otherwise it’s obnoxious to me. But to these people and their life-scans, all they pick up is that they have a low memory inventory of my personal life compared to a large one of me working on the computer – therefore “all I do is work on the computer”. tadaa!

After telling me I’m a fat-eating computer loser who is going to be miserably alone (she even said “just like [her ex-boyfriend]” at one point. haha), she then emptied out an entire box of sesame chicken and a box of pork fried rice I had in the fridge (saving for dinner) onto a plate, heated it up, took two bites and then threw it out. She asked if I wanted some (I didn’t at the moment since I had already eaten and, like I said, was saving it for later).

The next day she wanted to go to dinner and a movie with me… cuz mean, obnoxious, poorly crafted insults from inconsiderate blowhard is the company I can’t WAIT to get more of, right?

Besides, McDonalds and I have internet work to do….

It’s so consistent that it’s become a joke among my friends who have separately noticed the trend and commented on it not knowing that it has been a known and observed pattern.

I don’t have a concrete explanation for it but I suspect it has something to do with a feeling of reinvention being necessary due to the relationships failure. Like, if it didn’t work out with someone as perfect as THAT, then I’ve gotta start-the-fuck-over and change some major stuff – but since they’re not very deep, the best they can do is to switch up their hair and go natural or dye dark since the latter is forbidden in a Rich-relache – they rely on comfort food and alcohol which packs on the pounds. Sad.

Image by Ashley of MissAshleyPants.com

The fact that I haven’t even left my house for the night yet: Priceless.

There are some things money can’t buy. and dry deliveries of “With all due respect, Madam, I believe your source is mistaken, considering I’ve been watching 30 Rock on Hulu in my room for the past 4 hours” is one of them.

I wonder if it will be this funny when I’m falsely accused of rape.

UPDATE: she called back and continued to scold me for making her friends not like me (ie: existing) because then they wouldn’t do things like this. her friend admitted she lied about me cuz she doesnt like me and she doesnt like girl B so she figured why not kill 2 birds, yet i’m still the bad guy somehow. what ever happened to “i’m sorry?”.

UPDATE: UPDATE: ice cream party it is! she thinks im meeting her some place even though i didnt say i would (its one of those power-move things where these bitches try to exert dominance) and we had the following text back-and-forth:

HER: do u know …how to get where ur going?
ME: yes
HER: good
HER: lol
ME: what was funny?
HER: nuthin. so do u have any questions?
ME: ya. do you know what you and this pint of Cherry Garcia have in common?
HER: ??? lol. we’re sweet??
ME: i’m about to be done with both of you in a few minutes and toss you in the trash.

*BLOCKED*
=)

UPDATE: Facebook weighs in…

Separate people on on Facebook and Twitter both asked “what about 49%?”. The answer is that anything below a 50/50 split is up to you. It’s like a Sleep Number preference – make it too hard or soft if thats what you want, but after 50% its not a matter of opinion anymore.

I cap it at 20% because at least a 5-10% cut comes along with any human interaction since there are the needs and desires of another person you have to respect that you otherwise wouldn’t if you just lived as a hermit, but if it goes over twice that then im out.

any relationship – even with friends – should be a net gain to your life. its up to the individual how much negativity they’re willing to put up with up to 50%. past 50 it becomes objective that its time to go.

Update: this is not the friend who said that line above, but I had to post this cuz it’s just made of win. a different facebook friend sent it to me upon request cuz i had viewed it in her myspace a long ass time ago and it stuck in my mind for obvious reasons. it was just funny that i reposted it right after the “favorite line of the day” since she could be confused for the lounge skirt. separate from that funness though: ladies, if you’re taking notes, this is how to win me over:

We’re willing to tear up the inside of our mouth with the cut-glass nature of the Crunchies because they’re mixed in with Berries and together, it converts the bowl into a net-positive experience.

We know a bum deal when we see it, and straight Cap’n Crunch is a suckers game.

Likewise, a box of Oops, All Berries is – like it’s relationship parallel – fun for a bowl or two and then you’re done with it.

My first assumption was that she died, but then I thought – duh – its a cry for help. She’s sending me a coded message she knew only I was clever enough to figure out and come to her rescue, but unfortunately for her it took me a year to care enough to lend more than 8 seconds of thought toward her whereabouts and well being.

Poor JessCoop is probably tied to a radiator in someones basement but was quick thinking enough to keep only me on her friends list when her captor was forcing her to erase all digital contact with her friends so they wouldn’t know she had disappeared to the world and not just to them.

That sucks, cuz since this was a year ago, she probably IS dead by now. =(

RIP Jessica Cooper.