It’s summer here in Southern California. which means if you’re on the wrong side of the mountains (where the mountains are to your left instead of the ocean) then you’re in an ugly sticky bowl of tin foil. Not a pleasant humid friendly outdoor cooker like 100 degree weather in Texas… no. Southern California’s 92 is worse than a Texas 102 any day (except maybe Friday). and in Texas, a “hot enough for ya?” carrys the same kind of yester-year casual-howdy that it’s intended to. In California, you’re just being a dick.

No kindly old man says “hot enough for ya?” in California. jerks say it as a way of complaining about one more thing in their terrible Malibu mansion stressed out life.

Hot enough for ya? no. i grew up in an oven, so i’m not happy until the flesh is literally baking off of my bones, but thank you for asking if the current heat is sufficient for me.

if i said no, would you have turned the thermostat down on the fucking sun? or are you just taking a survey?
go kill yourself. thx

I can hold back no longer, as I am getting this retarded forward chain mail spam from people almost daily on Myspace again now…

—————– Original Message —————–
From: [REDACTED]
To: [REDACTED]
Date: Feb 24, 2009 8:15 PM
Subject: Email From Tom

Myspace system is getting too crowded!! We need you to forward this to at least 20 people. I know this seems like a large number, but we need to find out who is really using their account. If you do not send this to at least 10 Myspace members, we will delete your account. WARNING!
We want to find out which users are actually using their Myspace accounts. So if you are using your account, please pass this email to every Myspace user that you can. IF YOU DO NOT PASS this letter to anyone we will delete your account.

Sorry for this inconvenience.
-Tom

First: You are so dumb for believing this that you should not be allowed to use the internet.

Second: You are so dumb for annoying your friends by forwarding this nonsense without even Googling to see if its true or not that you should not be allowed to use any message delivery service period (including passenger pigeon and smoke signal).

Third through 79th: You can’t continue being this stupid… I know many of you are only 12, but that’s not an excuse. you’re supposed to be MORE tech-savvy about these things; MORE wise to what is a scam or not. Its your older siblings and parents who are supposed to be the easily duped suckers that fall for something so transparently idiotic as “forward this chain mail to your friends so we can see if you use your account”. Wtf you guys…

You owe everyone you annoyed with this message an apology.
Get to work. now.
then cut yourself.

Stop asking me “What’s Up?”
What? is UP? I have a blog, 2 Myspace profiles, a Facebook and a god damn Twitter that I update bi-daily with nothing but “what. is UP”. What makes you so god damn better than everyone else that you deserve your own private briefing while everyone else has to

“How are you?”

Can you not read the word next to “mood” you sonofabitch? Did I choose that particular emoticon out of a display of dozens to appear next to it for nothing? Why do you spit on my hard work? Why do you insult me by ignoring my attempts to broadcast personal information to you?

From now on, these are the only answers I will entertain your stupid nonsense questions with:

Question: How are you?
Answer: medium-rare

Question: Whats Up?
Answer: A new Disney/Pixar animated movie featuring the voice talent of Ed Asner.

I’m the guy all over my page. in all the pictures. and the videos. and the author of all the text on my god damn page. including the blog titled “who are you?”.

Get a life and go DO something instead of sitting at the computer ‘being bored’. And then never mention it to me. ever.

People annoy me.

UPDATE: You people are all retarded. Quit IMing me and emailing asking if I really have a child. I had my away message today as “Out with the kids” meaning “Out playing with my peers” and that didn’t help. You’re all morons who should immediately hit yourself with something flat and metal.

You’ve basically just said you’re stupid. No one can make ME think they are right on any subject they talk about, I don’t know why you would be any different. -Of course anyone can argue anything, but not everyone can be right. If you really think that I spin things so I’m right about everything when I’m actually dead wrong or just misleading – then pinpoint it. Call me on it. expose me for being a total dip for brains and claim the victory that is rightfully yours…

If you can’t, then you’re either wrong, or too dumb to articulate why you are right. Neither of those is my problem.