This is my poolmasters creed. One that I did not choose out of consciousness. But chose me. Like a calling. A calling. to rescue bugs that are slowly dieing in my backyard swimhole. -square. rectangle.
My swim rectangle. A shape, though similar to that of a coffin, shall not be the final resting place to any unfortunate insect I come across. No sir.

I have found myself spending minutes at a time rescuing the twittering bugs struggling to keep their heads above the surface. It starts with bees. and then moves to smaller, less appealing bugs. Even my enemies. They shall not die like this. Not this way. Not like this. Not today.

Even bugs I hate. If they land on or near me later, I will kill them despite saving them from drowning moments ago. Not the same species. The same individual bug. The same exact individual that I hand plucked from the mighty drink that is my leisure swim spot. I inform them all that if ever we are to meet again under altered circumstances, we shall do battle. and at times. we do. and I smite them, as is my duty.

But if need assistance – they the weak, they the injured, they the annoying – in my watery jurisdiction.. I shall aid them. As is also my duty.

Every time I felt a sneeze coming on I submerged myself and – bam – no sneeze. So next time you’re about to a-choo all over the place, just dunk your head in some water and you’ll be fine.

But I’m not responsible if you drown. But you won’t. But that’s not a guarantee. But chances are you’ll be fine. But in the event that you’re not – refer to the previously made disclaimer. But seriously, don’t be worried about it, cuz I’m almost positive you’ll be okay. I mean like, its possible you could have a pre-existing condition that you didn’t know about and then it kills you cuz of the pressure in your head from the water stopping sneeze thing, but you really just have to consider the odds of that happening. I don’t know what they are, but you should consider them. I don’t know how you consider statistics you don’t know, but that’s not really my problem now is it? All I wanted to do was show you how to stop a sneeze and now you’ve turned it into this. You know why? Because of freakin lawyers in America.

And that’s why we need tort reform in this country.
In November, vote YES on Prop A.

Um. Wrong.

For one, every wave that hits it drags gross slimy snail-slime back into the pool where my face is. Wtf. And for two – since when is hanging over water a good idea for animals that can’t swim. Not only can’t swim, but can’t even flail about until they reach something to save them. What a loser. And hello – have you never heard of fish that wait for stuff like that to fall in so they can snatch them up? Some even spit water at bugs to make them fall in so as to be eaten. This snail didn’t know I don’t have those in my pool. God.

I plucked it off and tossed it into the garden where it will re-emerge and eat my flowers now. Totally lame.

I’ve met a lot of slimy creatures in my day, but I’m gonna go ahead and say that out of all the coiled shell molluscan class Gastropoda on this earth, the North American garden snail is the dumbest.