I started to feel pinprick pains in one of my molars in October 2008 so I went to the dentist. They said the tooth is fine, took xrays and everything, but said I had a minor cavity in ANOTHER tooth that wasn’t bothering me. So I said screw you guys (or maybe it was “good DAY to you sir!”, i dont remember) and left without further work getting done on it. One year later, the same tooth has been slowly but surely bothering me but starts to get pretty uncomfortable so I go to a different dentist to have it looked at.

GOOD NEWS! There is in fact a crack in the giant ass filling I’ve had in that tooth since 6th grade or so, and bacteria has been slowly leaking into that crack and feasting on my tooth, creating a cavity UNDER NEATH my god damn filling. It went so far into the tooth that it hit the tooths nerve, and when that happens you need to scrape the frigging nerve entirely out and fill the space back in with putty – a process commonly known as a mother f#cking root canal…

This awesome process involves sawing off the top of my tooth (with an actual aluminum saw – probably rusty) and scraping out all the gunk inside it, filling the hole with cement and putting a fake tooth top over the bloody mess. Oh ya, and it costs $2,500. and oh ya, making internet comedy videos and blogs whilst freelance modeling and non-union acting in California apparently comes without dental insurrance(??). I know. who knew. So that’s the awesome situation I’m in right now!

Way to go God/evolution! Nerves in mother f#cking teeth are SO necessary! GOOD THINKING!

During the cleaning, the girl told me I was “doing a really good job at home” since she barely was able to scrape any plaque off and my gums didn’t bleed during the flossing. I’m doing a really good job? SO not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be a plaque ridden bloody mess. I wanted her to say “dear God, its good that you finally came to the dentist after 4 years since your last check up!”. But no. I was doing as good a job as they would do, at my house, for free.

The dentist comes and chats with me for a little. I tell him that in addition to my suspected cavity, something is wrong with some of my molars. Probably a filling that is leaking. Cuz when I eat gooey or gummie sweets, I get pinprick pains in them. So he taps around my teeth a little with his mini Captain Hook hand and nothing hurts. Then he tells me I have a small cavity where I thought I had one, except on my upper teeth.

What. the fuck? Neither of my two pains yielded real life results, but one that I’ve never felt before exists? Umm. Die?

Well, I wasn’t gonna argue with the guy with the X-rays in his hand, so I said alrighty and was processed out at the front counter.

The bill was $150.

I just paid people $150… to brush my mother effing teeth.

Promoting oral hygiene can be fun. We’re living proof.