MTV hasnt shown music videos since the 80s, Cartoon Network has live action programming now, the “SciFi” channel (science fiction) changed its name to “SyFy” so it can just air whatever the hell it wants (at least they were honest enough to change their name). only Lifetime has stayed pure to their description since they still air programming that only vaginas find appealing.

Former Speaker of the House and current Fox News commentator, Newt Gingrich couldn’t believe his f#cking eyes either. “I normally have a bit of a squinty facial posture as it is” said the Speaker, “but when I’m in the presence of sh#t like this, I..[chuckle]..I just can’t look directly at it, its so awesome, really”. The former congressman added that “It’s no wonder that Hannity shut his fat god damn mouth for more than 8 seconds while in awe of this kickass amenity” and when it was pointed out that Hannity’s mouth was actually wide open during his exasperated reaction to the tv, Mr Gingrich shot back: “Christ man, it was a figure of speech to convey that he paused talking. don’t change the subject from this sweet addition to what was already a schway pad yo. god damn”.

When asked to comment on the televisions ability to rotate a full 100 degrees from living room to bedroom and stay out of the way of the privacy divider that runs behind the table, the congressman was quoted as saying “It’s truly unf#cking believable. Now that it’s in place, I’m surprised it has taken this long to happen. This was the kind of Hope & Change President Obama promised us and it warms my stone cold evil-conservative heart to see one family doing their part to make their ocean front real estate the best it can be”.

To Sanjay Kumar over there:
“their opinions are their opinions“? no sh#t? fascinating way to put the judges recap of your performance into philosophical perspective. why does no one school these kids on how to receive criticism before they go on stage to react to it in front of the nation? probably cuz he’s a minority.

To the cute blonde that I would bang if you didn’t have that hideous sleeve tattoo:
At first I was diggin your Regina Spektor rendition of a song only teenage stoners and superpowerstoners. but by the second verse, after it became clear that i was only interested cuz you’re bangable when i squint, you had me searching for the dvr remote and one of those memory flash sticks from Men In Black so i could erase the last 2 minutes from my consciousness. Your song sucked. Bob Marley? are you retarded? clearly yes, cuz you thought it was an awesome choice because its so personal to you. Um. wow. here’s a clue” Bob Marley songs are monotonous and shallow. their entertainment value is derived by their mellow tempo setting or accenting the tone to an activity – usually f#cking and/or getting blitzed – and that’s it.

But even if you couldn’t grasp that concept – as Randy clued you in on afterward: no one cares if its personal to you. sing something that sounds good and makes people think “hey, she can sing good. cuz like. that didn’t suck or anything”. Everyone hated your performance. Know why? cuz it sucked. Bob Marley songs are for people to get high and/or f#ck to. his work does not showcase vocal talent. and neither do you. also, you’re not attractive and i’ll abuse you, so now that your self esteem is at the right spot – come give me a call and we’ll eh… listen to some Marley…

“…to leave the show”

To the Pink haired porcine punk singing No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak”:
The title should have been “Don’t Sing”. *badumcha!* But fur realz: No one gives a crap that you can play 3 chords on the guitar. its a singing competition. and you suck at it. Wha–aAAaat if aaah ta-AAA-aaauaaalked liii-III-ike ah-thiiII-iii–ii-ssssss? It’d be fkkn annoying, wouldn’t it bitch? ya, it’s no different with singing. so sing the song straight through without murdering each word in a roller coaster of suck. UPDATE: while on the Idol website, I see she’s only 16, so I take it all back. kid doesn’t know any better. plus she might have or will gain hott friends and followers, so I’m gonna be nice to her for now.

To Paula: you’re such a sweetheart, so I always hate pointing out what a crazy ass bitch u are, but it was obvious as hell that you scripted your reaction to pinkhairgirl. i get it. and im proud of you. you recognized that you suck at extemporaneous speaking and you your handlers tackled the problem with a littl rehearsal. just… work on it a little more, k?

To the new chick that only got hired as a judge as leverage/pressure for Paula to stop being so unstable and crazy and clue her in that she’s easily replaced:
You made a bad first impression when you bitched out the girl in the bikini on your first day. you offer nothing to this show and you suck as an on screen personality. die.

To the dude who played the piano:
the “its a singing competition, stupid” comment doesn’t apply. you pulled it off. you’re also a fag.

To the guy right after him who played the keyboard:
blind guy beat you to it. only one key-instrument per show please. get the f#ck outta here.

I got bored with this and stopped paying attention there. Unfortunately for me the next episode was also on the DVR and played right after it. David Cook performed for some inexplicable reason and Megan looked hott in red overalls before getting booted back into a life of waitressing and broken dreams. —wait.. I typed that before it happened and they just put her over into the “you MIGHT get eliminated/you’re not safe” section and she flapped her arms and yelled mock-bird calls while walking over there… what..in the shit.. is THAT about?.. this bitch is blonde AND crazy? Megs. you just got 10% more cuterz.

Update: when she finally got eliminated she sang another crap song (oh, wait, is that the same one?) but displayed more “i’m clearly crazy as f#ck” behavior thats totally raising her stock in richardland. mm.

Update: watching her “later bitch” recap video, i was confused… she’s a single mom under 23 all tatted up, crazy as hell Bob Marley fan and pursuing a career in showbiz instead of focusing her life on her 2 year old child? unheard of!

And oh look, I was correct. Surprising, since that only happens 98% of the time, so naturally every time I’m right its a total shock.

Yes, A week before my meeting, Fox announced it would not renew the contract for the series. You might think its delusionally self centered to think that even the possibility of me working on a television show would trigger a bad luck boomerang that would sabotage the entire series, but thats only cuz you’re new to the site. Stay awhile and you’ll come around.

I apologize to all those involved and take full responsibility for the jinxing.

Now it just likes it will be back…to me.
*tastefully dramatic music plays as foreground lights go out, leaving my silhouette while some credits roll or something*

]]> http://blog.richardland.com/archives/207/feed 0 http://blog.richardland.com/archives/40 http://blog.richardland.com/archives/40#comments Tue, 29 Jan 2008 22:32:11 +0000 richard http://blog.richardland.com/?p=40 Why is the George Lopez Show on Nick at Night already….

When I was growing up, their line up was I Dream of Genie, Bewitched, Mr Ed and endless I Love Lucy.

Now its Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and George freakin Lopez? Home InfuggingProvement?? Are you kidding me?

What. the . F.

It’s time to die.

Last year, I lost someone special. They helped raise me and gave me countless memories that were key to my development and personality and it was difficult to let go. It’s hard to deal with death. Especially the death of a parent. It’s even more sad when you can see the decline in their life until one day they just… stop working. But does that mean they’re dead? Of course not. They live on, within you, and in what they have passed on through you, they have become in a sense, immortal. Until you die. then I guess they’re dead for real. but still…

It’s especially difficult when you disagree with letting them go and are overruled by other family members who are the ones who have the legal authority to say when to pull the plug. This is what happened to me, in my own Terri Schiavo saga, when my heartless mother and father had the nerve to ask me to take the old family tv out to the car to be shoved into the trunk and hauled away to some television chop shop.

I thought this was outrageous and unfair. If the TV told me to take either of them out to the trunk, I wouldn’t listen – so why should it be any different when my 2 biological parents do it? It’s not right and not fair. This Zenith tv delivered me from Muppet Babies to Ren & Stimpy and beyond. Disney movies to Sega Genesis games – Zenith was a friend when no one else wanted to hang out with that weird ass kid with the hyperactive personality.

R.I.P. Zenith: 1990 - 2007

Now it seems like they only advertise for dumb toys and games. You know. Kid stuff.

What happened to you guys? You used to be cool.

He didn’t seem to have any significant sway in the community if he had any at all. Royal subjects? None. He had Jazz, who was more of a child to be supported than any kind of servant.

When it all comes down to it, this so called prince was really just an overly enthusiastic poor as crap wise cracking ghetto kid from Philly who was lucky enough to have rich extended family that were willing to shoulder the burden of his worthless existence for awhile. They provided a safe, comfortable upbringing with opportunity and he brought the personality and street smart fun with his unorthodox inner city styles that brought adventure to spice up their stuffy lives.

He was never crowned anything close to royalty, even in the most abstract of metaphors. The dude was a migrating trader at best.

A prince?… I think not.

(The trick where he turns his throne upside down though is pretty cool. If I were him I would have marketed that into a party trick business)