Everyone is old except me

My “to do” list started simple. Most importantly to have “Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them in order to stay alive” embroidered on a throw pillow, but after this picture from a high school birthday party resurfaced via one of the girls in it, I diverted attention to that instead.

I was no doubt in the middle of saying something hilarious when this photo was taken, but . Four of these chicks are married. at least one has a baby. wtf? and here I’ve got a birthday comin up in 2 months and I still havent graduated to pull-ups yet.

We all know that I’m perpetually both too-mature and too-immature for my age and probably always will be. I haven’t changed since Kindergarten. I still like the same things, act the same way and have the same philosophy on life as I always have and depending on the context, that makes me oddly young or oddly old but always odd.

The picture mostly caught my attention though because it wasn’t that long ago, yet a lot of chicks my age are lamenting about getting old already and a lot of dudes my age are bumming about not being where they want to be financially, so I wanted to write about both. None of the girls in the picture have made that complaint to me, so I can safely use them as examples of people who, if they were to have such stresses, would be doing so for no reason because they all look fine today. Others though, may not. A youth of partying and superficiality may have blasted the glow out of you, its true. but if you’re already worrying about it and haven’t turned 30 yet, my guess is that it’s probably not true and you’re over-thinking it.

Although I guess I’m looking oldasfuck lately. This past year (the past 365 days. not the past calendar year), three people have made comments about me looking old. Of course, outside of humor blog content, that shit means nothing, since to even remember such a thing out of the context here would be to be a major diva douche who is ungrateful for forgetting the 8billion NICE things people had said to them those past 365 days to instead dwell on 3 nothings – but for the point I’m making here, 3 vs none is a significant number. Only one was mean spirited, coming from an 18 year old attention slut who didnt know how else to criticize me so she started calling me “old”, so that ones doesnt even count cuz its so pathetic. The other two do though, even though one was from a girl who wanted to do me (funny enough: also 18 years old. lulz), mentioning that I looked older than her and the last was just a day ago when this dude who I guess is young (?) added me on Facebook and then twittered me that his mom “was concerned cuz she saw [his] new friends and i looked old”. er. alrighty. But anyway: the point of all this is not for me, cuz I dont give a crap. I mean, if everyone started mocking me for wrinkles and bald spots, that’d be unfortunate, but it wouldn’t be any different than mocking me for being a spastic unfunny hyperactive offputting fag. so. I’m plenty used to people just disliking me just for being me. the specific reasons aren’t important.

Instead of doing a pickmeup, I’m writing this for YOU people. If you are stressing about aging – look at it logically. Girls are concerned about losing their looks and/or finding a mate before they leave their 20’s and guys don’t want to turn 30 without making something of themselves careerwise. SO: if you’re stressin, then step back and study exactly why.

APPEARANCE: Girls are bio-designed to freak out about how they look because it’s how half the world assesses their worth. Whether on an unconscious level or not – guys rank who is worth their time based on how a girl looks. It’s Tyra Banks can do whatever the fuck she wants, but Tyra Banks in a fat suit and glasses gets ignored, hassled and denied privileges. So… what’s the problem with you? Are you sure there is one? or are you just stressing ove the possibility of one arising? Hyper attention to making a fabulous presentation will only work against you, so it’s best to just fix the obvious problems as you see them arise and then calm the fuck down. If you’re well maintained then you’ll always be found attractive by a good percentage of people. Plus, you might just not be taking care of yourself or having an unflattering day. check this out:

These two pictures were taken in the same month. In one, I look like a tired old fuck and one – well – I hate to be immodest, but I think we can all agree, male or female, gay or straight, that we’d at least like a taste of hottie-ontheright.

So chill the hell out. Of course you’re gonna look busted sometimes. it doesn’t necessarily mean you ARE getting busted. Look at it logically instead of emotionally and calm down.

CAREERS: This one is even easier because you have more control over it. If you feel like a benchmark date like a birthday or working anniversary is fast approaching and when it comes you will want to cut yourself because you haven’t reached a certain goal then really, you’ve halfway won already because it means you care. So you’re not a worthless slob and you actually do have SOME ambition. good. Now build on that. Have you done everything you could to get where you want? If so, then quit bein emo and bumming about something you can’t change. If you didn’t then convert that disappointment and regret into working harder.

I think a little feeling of inadequacy in both areas is good for anyone. I sure always think I could look better and be much further along in my path to make 2 or 3 hundred billion dollars. but boo-hooing over not having a babyface or enough credit to purchase a manmade private island in the shape of an “R” is not going to help you get either. so take a tip from Richardland and maintain a healthy balance of old and young: be mature in your finances and immature in life. you’ll be just fine.

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