When a girl you already swiped re-appears in your Tinder deck…

When I see a girl on Tinder that I’ve already swiped before I always assume she’s re-appearing in my deck because she accidentally Nope’d me in what was immediately identified as a life-changing mistake and was so traumatized at having missed out on all of *this* that she deleted her account to wipe her account clean and then made a new one right away to come find me.

Naturally, I imagine she has spent weeks, or more, changing her location to find me in her swipe deck again and spends the majority of her day frantically swiping while frustratedly growling “come on, come on” in a hushed tone over a fastly beating heart as she obsessively pursues this emerald eyed Adonis she mistakenly closed the door to in her foolish haste.


Outdated Tinder clipart courtesy of Outdated Tinder Press Release

As the days go on and I fail to appear in her deck I assume she has tried to contact Tinder about the issue and has developed multiple eating disorders and began to self-harm as a schizophrenic alter ego starts to taunt her in her downward spiral into depression and inner destruction as she starts to doubt and eventually hate everything about herself – since, after all – who could love or respect a monster who would be capable of rejecting, even by accident, such a perfect creature.

When I see these girls re-appear in my deck I assume I have already appeared in theirs and that sometime in the previous 24 hours, at long last their great nightmare was over and they were able to rectify their horrible mistake. I conclude that they achieved the peace they had been so frantically chasing when they were finally given the 2nd chance to Swipe-Right and mark their interest and begin the wait until their dreams come true and I do the same, resulting in a match that would open the doors to my coveted communication, lavish wedding, 3.5 children, and a litter of havanese puppies as we raise our glasses to a toast of our Tinder anniversary in an opulent resort in the south of France.

And then I swipe Left. Just because.

Only one chance to reject me, bitch. Better mean it and want it.

Plugging your ears with your fingers actually works

I just tried sticking my fingers in my ears to block sound, and was shocked that it actually worked. I was just making a symbolic comedic gesture to signify how badly I wanted to not hear a stupid boring story but in the process actually plugged my earholes to surprising levels of effectiveness.

Try it… The trick is to use the ball of your finger so your fleshy nubs squish into the opening of the ear canal. All these years I was just straight pointing into the hole but if you actually blob your finger flesh into the hole, you block outside sound similar to noise-cancelling headphones.

Appreciating the poetic grace of a freshly vacuumed carpet

Why does a recently vacuumed carpet look so damn clean? The obvious answer is that because it *is* clean, but that doesn’t make any sense if you think about it – it’s not like it was covered with a layer of visible filth that is now removed. So what is it then?

Surely you know what I’m talking about, right? Not a carpet like the one Aladdin flies around on (ie: rug), but the textile floor covering on the interior of homes that allow you to walk barefoot within a house without your feetsies getting uncomfortably cold.

Not filthy and covered with strewn debris and popped bags of corn chips like an infomercial disaster – just a regular old woven fabric floor. Imagine it. It doesn’t appear dirty, but you know it’s been awhile since it’s had micro crispies sucked out of the fibers so you vacuum it and BAM – what looked like a regular boring yarn-floor is now a landscape that beams with purity cleanliness.

This guy knows what’s up… (source)

Even if it’s mostly psychological, it can’t be entirely so because a third party can just as easily notice the visual that the cleaner see’s afterward. Everyone knows when they’re walking into a freshly vacumed carpeted room and feels a little better about life because of it.

So what is going on here? Is it because the lines from the vacuum cleaner remind us of the wind driven snow atop a virginal icy mountainscape and our monkey brains automatically go back to that familiar retreat?

Or is it possible that the collections of micro-filth actually do build up to create visible ground-smog that is too gradual for us to notice as it’s happening and the carpet is actually physically more radiant after the removal?

I think it’s a matter of fluffing. Carpets get beaten down by life and a vacuuming is a pick-me-up that makes it stand tall and enjoy being stepped on again. -Actually, nevermind that cuz it’s dumber than I thought before I typed it. I think it’s all of the previous things except that one that contribute to the unmistakable newness of the appearance of a gloriously freshly sucked fiborous floor and its a spectacle more should appreciate. After all – why spend the time and money to go traveling to some stupid scenic vista when you can just marvel at your own living room after making it less disgusting through domestic labor.

God bless recently vacuumed carpeted floors.