Isn’t it too early in the year for you to be talking to me again, girl?

Is summer over *already*?…

Seems too early for these girls who used to frequently text and flirt with me but went silent because they got warm-weather-boyfriends to be migrating back like nothing happened, pretending they never stopped talking to me in the first place now that they’re single again and miss the awesome male presence I was in their life.


You may not be familiar, but there is a social migrating habit of the north american human female that causes them to fluctuate in their association with members of the opposite sex. While this happens on a micro-scale in terms of ovulation periods, it happens on a macro-scale in terms of the presence of a romantically male in their life.


When an adult human female is single, regardless of her intentions to pursue a relationship or not, she has a biological urge to “nest” and this can take shape in several ways. The most common action of a girl in between romances is for her to increase activity with same sex friends, but will then more actively pursue opposite sex “friends”. This quotation-mark-friendship goes in both directions in that it is both a time where a romantically interested man is likely to get friendzoned but also most likely for the girl to be setting up a friendzone-in-name-only. The latter appears to be a normal friendzone (in where the female see’s the male friend as a completely non-sexual entity) but in actuality is a smokescreen friendzone in where she definitely see’s the male in a sexual context, but simply does not the desire to pursue that (or probably any) target for the time being. This is a case in which the male friends sexual potential is viewed, in various degrees of conscious or subconsciousness, as a phallice behind glass with the printing “In Case Of Emergency: Break Glass”. Often times this is an unspoken agreement between the two, dictating that if the male puts in at least the minimum requirements for her attention needs, plus peppers in enough flirtation to keep his sexual possibility alive, that she will eventually give an opening for a sexual encounter with the otherwise-friend that will be accepted without regret due to the groundwork laid before the laying.


Since I am not a typical human male, I don’t fall into these normal categories, but the average human female I interact with (the Basicus Bitchicus*) is more typical of the average. That means that i’ll stay steady in exactly the same amount of not-trying-to-bang while the female may fluctuate in her intentions. Drawn by my irresistible charisma tempered by relatable and humanizing acts indicative of manchild syndrome paired with satirical arrogance I present an attractive option to the female psyche in it’s analysis of who to mate with. If and when I don’t pursue the mating ritual, we have a scenario that resembles the pre-mentioned Friendzone category, but in reality is a neutral field, present with the most harmless of flirting, if at all. But while the field is even, the motives for each sire are imbalanced. I am a consistent flat line of my intentions, while the female, containing a brain with different biological suggestions informing her actions, is more fluid in consciously or subconsciously deciding what she wants and needs.


The result is a seasonal female migration in and out of Richardland. The most common pattern is the heavy come-on in where the female is fascinated by my odd character and hilarious nature. The most common incoming method is during the time known as the “rebound” in where a person seeks a interaction distraction as a way of avoiding having to confront the full emotional pain and emptiness caused by the ending of a relationship. In this Rebound period, a person, especially of a female persuasion, is looking for positive human interactions similar to that which they lost in ways that check off psychological boxes unique to the situation. This can take form as a spike in loneliness soothed by a crave for sexual intimacy, emotional neediness, and distractive physical activity. In a non-romantic form, the female merely wants attention from a male and since males don’t care about attention from females unless they’re trying to bang them, this is where men fall victim to getting tricked with the bait of sexual interest by a women who’s ulterior motive was merely attention.


Thankfully, being a blunt talking non-game player, I don’t fall in and out of any of these traps as they exist around me and can merely observe the incoming and outgoing of the trappers.


The cycle can exist at any time by the most typical season is as follows:

In winter, these specimens are hibernating in relationships or non-relationship goals like work and school but in Spring, they come out of their burrows in search for at minimum, “potential” mates. Sometimes they are outright seeking a mate while other times they merely want to feel like the option exists. They will talk, joke, flirt, play, socialize, and generally interact extremely frequently up until right before summer in where they will get a boyfriend. While the attention and general placement of others in our lives doesn’t change for people like myself and other friends of both genders who aren’t of the Basic Bitch subspecies, the Basics can only focus on one member of the opposite sex. So that means when they enter a relationship – they exit your friendship. Not out loud, but in practice. The flirting of course goes mute, but the messages and general jovial interactions do too – and this is often times how I even find out that I have been talking with a Basic in the first place. I don’t psychoanalyze people in-the-moment and try to guess or divine motives to their actions, but only a fool doesn’t deduce answers from the patters afterward. So I will spend a few months to a year or more with one less contact until one day – the Basic specimen returns as if no gap in communication took place. This is a sign that their romantic relationship has ended and in reviewing their actions and contacts they remembered how great I was and came back to repeat the cycle, often times having no idea that they are even taking part in a cycle at all (let alone one so Basic as the kabuki theater they are playing out).


This usually doesn’t happen until mid-October as the reality of fall sets in, with a large spike in early November after the Halloween-hangover bump.


Damn global warming.


image via this thing