Why I just bought a $500 Apple Watch that I don’t even want

After the midnight pre-sales for Apple’s iteration of the latest trend of overpriced micro computers you can strap to your wrist went live, I dashed to make my order. Not really because I wanted one. But because I didn’t really have a choice to not get one. What was I supposed to do? Tell everyone asking *which* watch I was getting that I’m not getting one at all? Pff. What would be my excuse? Just because it adds nearly no functional value to the user as a product outside of quicker on-hand (literally) notification of apps already on your iPhone + fitness monitoring that can be achieved via devices at less than a quarter of the cost? I don’t think so. It was obvious I had to buy one. The choice was just what color…

The Apple Watch device itself only comes in one set of features. You can’t bump up or down the processor or battery life or any of that. What you can do is upgrade the casing from aluminum (Apple Watch Sport) to stainless steel (“Apple Watch” with no modifier to the brand) to gold (Apple Watch Edition ranging from $10,000-SaudiPrince-Baller-$17,000). This choice was easy since I don’t give a crap about the casing or strap.

The Sport it would be. and here’s where the color decision comes in. As you can see above, Apple only offers the Sport straps in those Easter pastel shades. I think they’re dumb. I’d love a nice emerald green strap, and think an ocean blue and rose-maroon would look cool on other people, but no. It’s only baby blue, salmon, and electric lime outside of white and black.

My option would be black. If I had a choice. but again: wtf am I supposed to do? Just tell everyone who states how obvious it is that I will be getting the green option that no, I’ll be sporting a black strap like some common douchebag loser? I would lose the respect of my peers, my fans, and myself. I would be mocked in the street as a sellout and style-whore. It’s my responsibility to who I am to get an obnoxious colored green item wherever possible. It’s the life I signed up for. and it is now my duty.

I don’t understand why the Apple Watch is what it is. I don’t know why it doesn’t have more features, a longer battery life, and most importantly: why in the mother effing eff-word it’s not effing waterproof (it’s “resistant” like the iPhone… can handle splashes, sweat, and rain, but they say not to dunk it. Horribly missed opportunity there). But I do understand why I ordered one (cuz it exists and I’m a lemming). and I do understand why I ordered a color I don’t stylistically prefer (cuz it exists and I don’t want to shock, unsettle and confuse all those who know me).