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Bieber-Sex & Gif-Butter: How is it possible to be THIS tone-deaf to humor?

Last month, this dude commented on one of my links with outrage, I guess cuz of the inappropes nature in reference to the cherubic chipmunk that is The Biebs (Version 1.5). Not sure what he thought it was though but he reported the link to Facebook, adding the “contact this user about this link” option, sending me the message at the bottom of this image. That is Facebooks default text they put in the message, there where it says “Hey, I don’t like this post. Please remove it.”. I asked why he’s reporting my shiz and he didn’t answer cuz he’s a pussy.

Then yesterday I post a link on the pronunciation of the image format word “Gif” and the icon is “Gif” on a can on peanut butter – since that’s the pronunciation in question. Same dude comments on it saying this:

He replied only with “stupid”. I guess he was either calling me that or saying my choosey-moms line was that. Either way, I said “I forgive you” but he didn’t forgive me. He deleted his comments on the image format thread where he was were talking about peanut butter and then unfriended me. So naturally I was obligated to record such events here for posterity.

People are weird .___.

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99 Sky

Sometimes when I’m deep in thought and going for a relaxing swim in my pool at night, I look up at the stars through the water and gaze for a few seconds in the silence and calm of the submersion and wonder if there isn’t someone, somewhere out there in the vast stretches of humanity sharing existence in this dimension under these very same stars as me who has actually sung “99 bottles of beer on the wall” to its conclusion. If this person exists – this brave adventurer who has conquered the Tootsie Pop of music – I sure hope they too are having a serene and fulfilling night.

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Don’t try to out-poke me. You’ll go mad with frustration

I’ll let richardland readers in on a little secret of mine just so you don’t waste time challenging me in the social networking battlefield arena of Facebook poking.

You literally can’t win a poke war with me. Because I cheat… I use an auto-poker app that immediately pokes people back whenever I have it running. I mostly use it as psychological warfare to frustrate creeps who just poke me without any further contact and also to break the spirits of friends who think they can outdo me on stamina.

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Inspector Tester and the Grand Hall dilemma

 

A Mold inspector had to come over today to do tests to make sure everythings okay after I had a leak fixed that made some drywall moist and while he’s doing his work he asks me “what do you call this room?”.

This is a trickier question than it sounds cuz my 2nd living room in my oddly shaped house is set up to be a den, office, exercise room hybrid – so instead of calling it one of those, I call it something goofy. I’m positive he was asking so he knew what to write down in his clipboard just to identify which part of testing came from where, but part of me couldnt help think that I was being tested to see if i’d say the goofy name.

Since it’s a long rectangular room with a high ceiling that ends in a display case, *I* refer to it as “The Grand Hall”… That’s how the room is identified in my remote lighting system, security system, Nest (electronic thermostat) and so on… So when he asks what I call it – that is the clear answer. That’s also really stupid and pretentious sounding to a stranger.

So I had a choice… Do I sound stupid and pretentious but answer the question properly? Or do I answer like a human being. I paused for only a quick 1-Mississippi before it got awkward and in that flash of deliberation caused by the test I knew the universe was giving me… I came up with an answer. I told him it’s just “a living room”. And it was the right choice.

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Jillian (from Workaholics) Graduation?

Too far away to tell if better similarities exist, but this unfortunate-slip chick looks to me like Jillian from Workaholics.

What I saw:

What I thought:

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The weirdest inspirational quote image I’ve seen so far…

Listen to a crudely outlined assertive Fred Flintstone standing on the ocean during a stormy sunset, kids: “Staying quiet doesn’t mean I have nothing to say, it means I dont think you’re ready to hear my thoughts”. Even weirder: The Flintstone caption is Fred saying “Shut up i’m still talking”. So… Wait, what? Fred wants you to shut up because he’s still talking while staying quiet because you’re not ready to hear his thoughts. Wtf…

Of course, none of the imagery makes any sense and the 2 quotes contradict each other, but the main quote is nonsense anyway. This applies to zero % of the people who post this image. It’s posted by people trying to feel better about their insecurities and project their failures onto those around them by blaming others for the traits they are actually in full control of.

Theres this one too…is this a series? What the hell is going on here?

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My Spanish Love that almost was

Welp, I was just mistaken for being Latino and/or Spanish speaking for the first time as this girl with bedazzled swirls on the ass of her jeans just hit on me at McDonalds…

At least I’m assuming she was hitting on me since she was smiling, touched my arm and her sentence ended in “Papi”. My espanol is super rusty so I had a hard time communicating that she had a pretty face but a behind too huge for me to find attractive. Oh, and also: that I don’t speak Spanish…. (something something, cara bonita perro tu ass peligro grande, lo siento, bedazzle-ismo Taco Bell?)

The stereotype is that minorities all look alike, right? So makes sense to me. Now if I can follow being mistaken for Latino with being mistaken for an African American (possible with the frequency i’m in the sun) my ethnic ambiguity will be complete! 
Whats that old saying? “Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal”?

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Batman Math Shows he beats everyone

Super hero’s are Super, but what about when you take away their man tools or powers? Answer: Batman wins. I post this as a reminder-illustration of the most important lesson the fictional character of batman has to teach, and it’s nothing about morality or justice. Rather: That natural talents and lucky circumstances are nice and can be used to benefit yourself and others, but if either or both is truly your goal, one must work hard on their body and mind to truly achieve their maximum potential.

Take Superman, Ironman and Batman. Add all of their weaknesses and Batman wins. Remove their lucky circumstances, natural talents and their cultivated physical and mental abilities and Batman wins.

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Garfield and Death

It’s pouring pretty steadily here and I have a lot of shedding trees around my house with no gutter guards so I’ll be slipping on some crocks and walking around the roof in the rain with my fancy pajamas suit, a bowler hat and bamboo cane (for stability, latch-hooking on to ridges and chimneys for maneuverability and as a weapon in case any rival roof-gangs wanna throw down. oh – and also to unclog the gutters for the night).

So just in case I slip and fall to my death: let it be known that despite what the fruity dance music playing in the earbuds plugged into my lifeless body might suggest, I was actually taking care of my nest with flair like a Sir and not, what I assume the coroners otherwise assessment would be, “re-creating the opening to the 1990′s saturday morning cartoon Garfield & Friends”. Thank you.

Anyone else remember that show? It was split between Garfield stories and this US Acres series no one ever heard of, which I was never sure if they were supposed to be the “Friends” since they didn’t appear to know each other at all. Idk what that was about.

Update: I’m back at sea-level safe and unbroken, but pretty soaked. Going to peel out of this bag of gush, shower in the bathroom with the strobe light and cartwheel into bed startinnnnnng…. Now

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Why it’s okay to hit a woman

This string of images being pushed around social media purporting to announce what “real men” do and don’t do is perpetuated by people who mean well, i’m sure, but everything about it is lame for the simple reason that gender has nothing to do with moral being advocated in the image.

What is a “real man”? Dumb hippies who were taught to be stupid at graduate school or are easily influenced by others who were, say  there isn’t such a thing because the only thing that separates the genders is their physical plumbing. People who aren’t dumb, use critical thinking and basic observation skills (not to mention Science), however, know that there are biochemical differences between the genders, giving each different natural proclivities. One of those proclivities is indeed to nurture and take care of females under a recognition of each of your natural gender roles and therefore physically abusing one would go against their nature and qualify for the social stigma of not being a “real man”.

But while the image depicts a cowering woman with hands protecting and halting further attack – it doesn’t say abuse – it says hit. And that confuses an otherwise legitimate point in a significant way because it goes too far into the other direction than the Hippie gender-neutral fantasy and instead creates a premise where gender is SO important that certain actions are never acceptable. Of course, that’s the safer extreme to operate under and of course the image also doesn’t say “never”, it says “don’t” which means ongoing and that’s a legitimate point – however, who actually reads it that way, do you think? No one. And while you might think i’m over-analyzing – these things affect developing brains and its important to be clear on such records.

“Real men don’t hit women”? The truth is that “Real Men” dont hit anyone for no reason. but if someone is attacking you with a weapon for instance – i’ll be God damned if i’m gonna not beat the f#ck out of them because they happen to be female and I want to be a “real man”. in the end, messages like this can just be boiled down to “don’t be an asshole”. not to women. not to men. not to children. not to animals. not to anyone. just be cool.

It’s not that difficult.

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