An opportunity arose for me to put an asian beauty goop of unknown purpose on my face, so obviously I jumped at it without question since I’m tired of living as a hideous monster and am finally ready to do something about it. SAY GOODBYE TO THE OLD ME.
Look at that unphotoshopped realness. God damn I’m a hero. But this post isn’t about how awesome I am – it’s about how awesome my face is. Thanks to blackChina tar.
Like any true inspirational story: this one starts out with adversity. Not just the imperfections of my gross slobbering mug you see above but also the fact that I split the packet with someone else, so I didn’t have as much to slather on my money-maker as you almost surely need. Especially since I later found out that it drys as a rubber gunk that you have to peel off where as at first I thought it was like a mud mask you have to wash off. I was wrong and stupid and I hate myself for the mistake. I also searched for what it was supposed to even do and found out that it’s a blackhead remover, which would have also informed my technique in application had I known beforehand. Instead I just smear it around way too thin and in way too much surface area of my skin (knowing its a blackhead rubber-peel, I would have just T-zone’d that shiz instead of nook and crannying it all around and up in my beard).
By the way: 2 people deleted me on SnapChat for hashtagging this pic with “black is beautiful”. Which is fine by me cuz I don’t want to be friends with anyone who doesn’t think black is beautiful anyway (*true story)…
Then comes the peel-off. Which was kindov impossible because, as seen above, I didn’t apply it thickly or evenly enough. But whatever. I don’t want it all to go away. I like the residual pieces.
I think it adds character so I’m thinking about replacing the gunk with face tattoos once it finally wares off in a few days. Then when people ask why I permanently stained my skin to look like I had specks of foreign beauty product lingering on it, I can send them this page and get more traffic.
So what do you think of the new me? Do you:
Love it
Super Love it
OMFG Love it
or
Love it but also want to emphasize that I was perfect to begin with and while my humble nature is prone to mark this as an “improvement”, the laws of reality prohibit improvement on perfection and thus this change is a parallel one in my endless loop of godliness and glory.
Please vote in your head and then roominate on it for an hour each day for the next 2 or threezies and then write a 1 page single-spaced summary of your thoughts on the subject and send them to Submit@Richardland.com
Thank you for your time and consideration.
*Sponsored by Chinese black particle residue face stuffs.
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