I am *this* close to breaking up with Brenda (my iphone). No I’m not. but god dammit Brenda. I miss BUTTONS. iPhones are impossible to navigate without looking at them, which I need to do all the time. Whenever I’m listening to something while laying in the sun or falling asleep in bed or being serviced by a saucy French whore or am in the dentist chair being worked on, I need to pause, play or skip to a new track in the iPod and fkking CANT cuz there are no god damn buttons except to turn the screen off or go to the home screen.
I scheduled a dentist appointment for 10AM and another at 1PM so I was in the chair being worked on all day (fillings + fixing botched root canal from last year) and it wasn’t nearly as bad an experience as I was prepared for. The inability to navigate between talk radio podcasts since I couldn’t look at my god damn iPhone screen however was worse than I was prepared for.
I only have brief moments where I am able to hold the device above my head and see wtf I’m doing, so in between those opportunities I try to mind-map where the hell I’m going on screen.
First double punch the home button to activate the screen. check.
Slide to unlock. check.
Follow home button quarter of an inch north for iPod button. WRONG. you just pressed the phone button.
Press middle of the screen to open what you think is podcast show list but since you’re really in the phone section of the device is actually your address book. check.
Press what you think is a podcast and listen at 2x speed for 18 minutes and then repeat. Hear ringing sound and realize what happened. dammit. Hear female voice say “hello?”. FUCK. you just called Lauren. Quick quick – find the cancel button – go go COME ON GOD DAMMIT! – no, thats no -yes, THERE – CANCEL. whew… repeat process. succeed. forget that you hate your iPhone. check.
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