Do people even know what “gay” is anymore?

Facebook gives me so much easy content for this blog, its ridiculous. Todays adventure starts with the following status update I posted last night:

settin inta ah nice Epsom-salt bubble bath with my tray of butter and Apple [computer] remote to soak for a spell n watch some Hulu while i eat an artichoke and bowl of noodles. i heart my life.

It produced the following comments from the following people:

John Gogel
thats not gay at all

Jaimee Jay
I looked up “homosexual” in the dictionary and found your pic right next to it

David Anthony MacNeil
Really? Because I found it next to “metrosexual”!

This is a classic mistake you should all learn from. These guys shoot their gay wads way too soon. See, if you bust it out on “watching The Cleveland Show while eating dinner in a muscle relaxer bath”, then what will you have to bring when im slathering up in baby oil listening to Lady Gaga in my room equipped with flashing green lights around the ceiling in preparation to watch the last DHW (desperate houswives) on my dvr while i eat strawberries and Cool Whip in bed?

nothing. cuz you lack discipline and fail at endurance. like these two.

The Facebook-status comments continue after David’s (an actual homosexual) reply that actions like dinner in a bubble bath is “metrosexual” (slang for a heterosexual male that engages in self maintenance and hygiene more typical of a female) and not “homosexual” are shown to be controversial:

Jaimee Jay
No, homosexual. Justin Timerlake is metrosexual, David Beckham is mextrosexual..Richard Bushnell is homosexual, clearly into men.

John Gogel
i like her, o and i would call ther [sic] person who says “im slathering up in baby oil listening to Lady Gaga in my room equipped with flashing green lights around the ceiling in preparation to watch the last DHW (desperate houswives) on my dvr while i eat strawberries and Cool Whip in bed” a FLAMING HOMO who plays the skin flute

Jaimee is just releasing sexual tension toward me, so thats fine and to be expected, but Johns horrible comeback of “a really gay, Gay, who does gay sex things” is a perfect illustration of the kind of “you got nuthin left” redundancy i mentioned, thereby proving my point.

Enter Jon Gatto, who does internetz right and plays along:

Jonathan Gatto
shock and awe shock and awe. And lets not downplay the role of suburban women and their everyday trials and tribulations in a cult a sac environment. It isnt easy dealing with some of the heart wrenching and sometimes dicey situations of our soccer momish society of DHW. Theirs is a strength some would only dream of holding for a fraction of a second. Gonna skip the baby oil slatheration though.(well maybe not when Gabriele is on screen yumm)

In addition to the fact that “slatheration” should enter everyones vocabulary immediately, this exchange yields some interesting data in how exactly the “does Richard secretly love male buttholes?” question is handled. It’s raised by the 2 commenters with no romantic experience with females who quickly agree on “definitely gay” as their common conclusion while the openly homosexual says “definitely not gay” and the dude thats engaged ups the ante on the alleged gayness by at least 40%.

I see your 40 and raise you 60. your move, internet…