Gather round children, and I’ll tell you a tale. A horrible tale of adventure and tradgedy. It is, the Fast Food Odyssey…
So it’s 2:00 AM on a Monday night/Tuesday morning, and I’m friggin starving. I had eaten a full meal for dinner just hours ago complete with appetizer salad and after dinner banana (don’t judge) but I’m dieing. I mull it over and I think, oh well, breakfast is in just a couple of hours and I can stand it. Besides, it’s not good to eat and then go right to sleep because the food will just settle and collect and turn into all kinds of bad fatty hemoglobinal types of yuck. So I go to bed.
Nuthin doin. 10 minutes later – I decide I can’t sleep, get back up, turn the lights back on and decide I’ll work on richardland until the Sandman pulls me back into bed (which I’d like to make clear is a metaphorical phrase devoid of any homosexual connotations). So a considerable amount of time passes and I think I tried sleep again – got back out of bed and decided what to do with my aimless pathetic self. By now my stomach is getting irate and making hostage demands if its food desires are not met, so I start to more seriously consider appeasing it. I’ve had a real hankering for some form of beef and starch for awhile now and I start to think about possibilities. Then the glorious recollection of a McDonalds in O’Fallon (one town over) having a 24 hour drive thru is the deciding factor that, hell, I’m a young strapping young lad – I’m indulging, I’m splurging and I’m driving my ass 15 minutes away to get some fast food at the current time of (yes, this is true) 3:45 in the morning.
I throw on some shoes and grab my keys and before you can say “uncle stinky’s peanut pants” me and my Mr. Clean pajamas are on our way to McDonalds whistling a happy tune. Halfway down the highway to hamburger Heaven (also known as I40) my eyes grow wide as I yell out loud to myself “McDonalds costs money you doof!” – realizing of course that I had forgotten to bring my wallet. After making sure I didn’t have enough coins lint and Laundromat punch cards (which is weird, cuz I have a washer and dryer at my house) strewn about my car, I turned the damn thing (that’s my pet name for my car) around and returned to my house.
I run back down to my room and can’t find my wallet anywhere so I grab some loose bills on my desk and run back out the door, and get in my car only to see the dome light reveal my wallet wedged snuggly in the cup holder. You idiot. -But that’s ok Rich, my alternate personality tells me, no sense dwelling over it, and a restart my journey.
FINALLY, I reach the golden arches. Ecstasy fills my veins. I pull up to the drive through happy as can be. I lovingly gaze at the menu for a moment and joyfully proceed with my order.
And I’m too late…
“We don’t got hamburgers an fries now, we start servin brekfist at 4:00”
says the shrill voice from the speaker. I slowly turn to my car clock and look in horror. It reads 5:15AM – which of course, since I don’t know how to change the time, is an hour ahead from daylight savings time, meaning the actual time is now 4:15AM. I was 15 minutes too late. Fif-teen, freaking, minutes….
15 minutes that I spent going home to get my wallet that was in my cup holder.
Richards pissed. He’s about to get violent. But no. Violence is bad. I don’t need anything more on my police record. Fine, it’s ok – I’ve got another option. Steak n Shake (which is a more restaurantny type fast food place that only a few mid American and southern states have) is open 24 hours and the nearest one is only 15 minutes away from my house…in the opposite direction from McDonalds.
So a half hour later I’m at the Steak n Shake drive through. I try to order and I get nothing… I drive around again thinking maybe my car just didn’t register…and nothing. I drive around AGAIN and kinda peer into the building and there’s no one friggin in there. I scope it out some more and conclude that there must be like one guy working and he’s in the bathroom masturbating or something. Whatever the case is, I don’t wanna hang around anymore because if I got something there the lone worker(s) are likely to prepare my food in a possibly unsanitary manner due to their not feeling like being at work at such an hour.
So after sulking for about 3 seconds, I weigh my remaining options and it hits me like a brick in the freaking face: There’s a god damn Steak n Shake in O’Fallon right across the intersection of the McDonalds I was just frigging at!
…So back to O’Fallon I go, but since I pass my street to get there, I finally decide to just screw it and go home, go to bed and go to sleep…sad and starving.
I hate my life.
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