Homemade Aftershave

I was shaving earlier today and after mopping up the blood, noticed that I was out of aftershave. I’m not exactly sure why people need aftershave or what its practical use is in modern society, but if my jawline doesn’t burn like hell after I’ve scraped the hair off of it with metal, then I just don’t feel right.

So I decided to improvise and make some myself. A little rubbing alcohol and blog of aloe vera with a drop of face cream rubbed together and gently applied and I had just successfully created a homemade Nivea for Men.

Mad with inspiration, I asked why stop there, and took the next logical step and decided to create life from synthetic objects. Two hours later and I had made a child out of wood and clay. All it took was an electrical current, some household chemicals in precise measurements and bottle of Vitamin E. That, and a fathers love.

He was misshapen and slowspoken, but Madeline, as I had named him, was the love of my life. With a little work and a lot of effort, this lumpy partially melted little man would be my new son.

We were playing outside and it was while I was helping to push some of his drooping clay body back into place when he said to me “da.dee. du..ont. yuu theeink. this div… ershion. has dra..g.ged awn. a little…lit.ttle…longgg?”

I was furious. Who do you think you are you little punk? You’ve been alive what? 5 minutes? and you think you can tell ME how long a bit should last? Do you know who I AM? How dare..how DARE you..even THINK of committing such an asinine subordination of my authority. I MADE YOU!
I shook him. Hard.
Too hard.
I shook his clay body right off of his wooden frame.
And with that. He died.

I wept for my loss.
But remained confident in my comedic timing.