Laying here plugged into my various Youth machines, lasers, and serums, thinking about early 2000’s dumb things and sent someone a message using the phrase about me being strapped into my “youth machine” in a context that implied that I meant some kind of metaphor about the timeline I was messaging about. I actually meant literal youth machines though. Here is some documentation or my life right now here in bed at 11whateverPM as I lay here winding down:
Big Dumb Red laser helmet
This shit doesn’t do anything. Not this model anyway cuz it’s one of the cheaper ones. I’m sure I got ripped off but not sure enough to not use it. A working one shoots red light lasers into your scalp to stimulate blood flow and promote hair growth. This one’s prolly fakeballs tho and basically just a red flashlight. Idk. But might as well try it till I actually get a legit one.
Leg compression boots
sleeves that fill with air to constrict the feet, calves, and thighs super tight and then release. On repeat for 30 minutes.
Good for muscle recovery and blood flow cuz it’s like putting a kink in a hose and then letting it go for that blast of water that had built up except it’s with dozens of tiny hoses (your veins) and instead of water it’s your blood.
They “Speed up cellular repair by providing more oxygen and nutrients to the muscles while removing lactic acid and other by-products caused by exertion” if you need a more technical explanation.
Bonus view: that’s a neck stretcher on the door handle. You lay on the floor and cradle your head in it and let it pull your spinal discs apart to relieve tension.
Red light therapy band
Same technology as the helmet except this one is for-real (Source: It was expensive af). It has 3 penetrative settings and stimulates your cells or something? I keep forgetting exactly what red light therapy does and how it works but evidently there is real science behind it.
Unseen but present:
- My Mr Awesome proprietary blend beard oil mixed with beef tallow (sorry vegans) to saturate my mane with godliness overnight.
- Glycolic acid on that beautiful crimson face.
- Copper peptides layered over the acid to reduce inflammation and prevent further damage.
- Rosemary essential oil based scalp serum under the helmet.
- The PoundCake 5000 buttplugger vintage ramrod edition by Johnson&Johnson set to the “egg beater” mode on medium heat.
Only 1 of those is a joke. Your call.
Now you all have something more to laugh at me over when I inevitably die way too early and all this was for nothing.
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