The Richardland Compound in North Hollywood has a Ring doorbell.
I’m at Mumzy & Popsicles house operating from the Richardland Southern Command in Texas at the moment.
The Ring bell in Hollywood keeps telling me there are people in the yard or at the door and when I try to see them it goes “lol no. Pay us for that” (they should really change that notification message to something more appropriate). Okay fine. I need to buy their subscription service to be able to replay 5 second videos like my Chinese made security cameras in and outdoors provide for free. Cool. Yay Capitalism.
I tried to buy a year of Ring service and – bloop – got locked out of the account entirely instead…
45 minutes after one disconnection of phone time with Ring tech support later and I’m still on hold cuz they made me reset the password and then didn’t let me log back in cuz none of my devices here are “known devices” to their system. Cool…
Today is 4/20 by the way, and this so far is the most un-chill afternoon I could be experiencing, minus physical pain being involved.
So I finally get a person on the phone to help me fix this and – bloop – can’t do it cuz I have to be near the device to unlock it. “Unless”… something-something as they transfer me to another department and now I’m on hold some more while they do who tf knows what. Probably just let me sit and wait to look like they’re being super secure with my shit.
Hunger starts to creep into my frustration. My mom notifies me that they’re having tacos for dinner. Cool, right?
Um. Who are you, and why are you reading this if you don’t know enough about me to know that I don’t eat tacos? Fine. whatever. Welcome to this journey with me. I’m happy to have you with us today. My name is Richard and I don’t eat tacos. They repulse me. I’m sure they’re delicious. Literally. I bet they’re tasty. It’s not a taste thing. I have a mental illness about food ingredients mixing and pairing that my biology deems incompatible and certain multi layered merging and stacking – tacos, sandwiches, casseroles, – really any sort of “umbrella” food term, is likely to repulse me.
K, so I need to get myself something to eat like some kind of orphan savage in a dystopian wasteland. This was NOT how I wanted to celebrate Hitler’s birthday today.
[TIME LAPSE]
Good luck with that, evidently, cuz there were more problems.
I have to confess, I don’t remember what they were. I probably blocked it out because the trauma was too big and I didn’t want to suffer PTSD from the experience so I deleted the mental files containing the memories of this experience. I started writing this while I was on hold and then right after – but now – later – I don’t remember the end of the saga exactly. I do remember that it was a big deal tho and that it super sucked. Tadaa! Okay, no. there’s more: finally got it unlocked and paid the ransom for the service but it took over an hour and it was extra frustrating cuz… cuz… dammit. The food part was a big component of this story cuz it was compounding how frustrating and seemingly never ending the experience was but I didn’t write enough notes to remember. I’m actually editing this part over a month later cuz the 420 draft was just sitting there so I thought I’d wrap it up in a neat little bow and delay-post it but since I wasted all that time explaining my food phobias instead of writing bullet point notes on what happened in the story, I’ve got nothing to close with.
All I remember was that I was ravaged with hunger and it was one hoop, hurdle, and dead end after another to just unlock my damn Ring account. I tried the Dominos app, the Pizza Hut app – hoping to get something delivered while I struggled – but why didn’t they work? I’m logged into them. Was I just price comparing and getting annoyed that that was taking so lo—oh, no, I remember one of the things vaguely now: I assembled a pizza and then it wouldn’t deliver because it was like “sorry, God hates you” but I can’t remember the exact reason (satisfying story, right?). Then I went to a competitors app and it waited to – OH I just remembered! Both of these evil apps let me build the pizza, add a coupon, and then get all the way to the checkout part before telling me that no delivery is available because of COVID closures! That was it! Boom.
Okay – back to Ring… Um. It was annoying and I talked to different departments and somehow got it working -but the details of that A-plot in the sequence was actually more interesting than the pizza B-story, I just can’t remember enough of it.
And that’s why you don’t do drugs.
Because I don’t. Ever. And haven’t. Ever. I don’t use cannibis and my memory is superb but I partially ruined this otherwise masterpiece of literature with major gaps in the storytelling so imagine how stupid and lame your dumb memories are you dirty pothead hippies.
Oh, and the mystery alerts I was getting every day from the Ring bell that was making me nervous enough into adhering to the extortion of the monthly service?
It was my mailman. Putting in the mail into the slot box to the left of the Ring device.
THE END.
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