Back in July I made a last minute short trip to Missouri for a float trip and sent a quick notice out on Facebook about it 4 days before I left. This girl I haven’t seen in awhile lives near where I was staying and practically begged me to hang out with her while I was there (“i live in Ofallon!! Please call me!!!” – “if i don’t see you, i will be angry!!” – etc). I had a packed schedule so I saved her a space ahead of time to make plans.
When the time came, she didn’t pick up her phone and didn’t again the next day and then ignored my wtf Facebook message.
Last night, 4 months later, she messages me on AIM…
(names have been changed or removed to protect true identity)
SoccerGirl: hi richard
SoccerGirl: hi. who’s this
SoccerGirl: you don’t remember?
SoccerGirl: im soo disappointed!
richar900: ya, boo hoo
richar900: i get 800 IMs every 30 seconds and i didnt memorize YOURS. super tradgedy, i know
SoccerGirl: haha its [name redacted]
SoccerGirl: lol so popular
richar900: [name redacted] who?
SoccerGirl: wolf
richar900: oh. in missouri
SoccerGirl: yeah
richar900: the one who totally stood me up over the summer
SoccerGirl: yeah
richar900: great. so. what do you want?
SoccerGirl: richard! im soo sorry..
richar900: ya, i bet. not.
SoccerGirl: i don’t think that you understand..
richar900: chyea. you’re probably right. would i care to understand? at this point, doubtful
SoccerGirl: ok i understand.. tear drop
richar900: i know. sad. you stand me up and YOU’RE the victim. life is so unfair for you.
SoccerGirl: no not at all
richar900: k
SoccerGirl: well the reason that i didnt see you is bc i iddn’t want YOU to see me
richar900: good move waiting 4 months to say so
SoccerGirl: i kow im really sorry.. i didn’t want you to see me bc im pregos
SoccerGirl: … awkward silence
richar900: ya, i forgot how getting knocked up makes you ignore people. my bad
SoccerGirl: well i was embarrassed
richar900: looks like you were embarrassed over the wrong thing then. having some dudes bastard child isn’t so much socially frowned upon anymore, but im pretty sure being a rude snot is still high up on the social-don’t list
SoccerGirl: i know.. i agree
SoccerGirl: sorry rick
SoccerGirl: haha
richar900: i guess you were just overwhelmed by hormones. sorry to hear that you got stuck with one of those popcorn babies that is microscopic one week that you make plans with someone and then pops your stomach out to an embarrassing degree days later
SoccerGirl: haha i know.. how gay of me
richar900: brb. phone.
SoccerGirl: ok
richar900: ok
SoccerGirl: yeah lol
SoccerGirl: sorry.. there was no reason to stand you up
SoccerGirl: thats all
richar900: who put a baby in you with their penis then?
SoccerGirl: sorry i was working on homework
richar900: i already know that. the question is the ‘why’
richar900: if there was no reason then you did it be-cauuz __________
richar900: fill in the blank
SoccerGirl: im a bia
SoccerGirl: lol
richar900: is that some kind of eastern hippie religion?
SoccerGirl: im a bitch
SoccerGirl: thats why
richar900: then why are you saying sorry? those two things conflict with each other
richar900: either you’re a bitch so i deserved the cold shoulder. or there was a reason and now you’re sorry. pick one.
SoccerGirl: no theres a difference of i am a bitch and i was being a bitch.. i was being a bitch and im sorry
richar900: then im STILL waiting to hear why you were being a bitch then
SoccerGirl: there was no reason.. i wz just being a bitch
richar900: so how do you plan to make this up to me then?
SoccerGirl: how do i make it up to you
richar900: thats what i asked. no stealing my question. bitch.
SoccerGirl: no i really am
SoccerGirl: lol
SoccerGirl: im having a boy
richar900: when
richar900: and with who. since when do you know what sex is?
SoccerGirl: early feb
SoccerGirl: yeah a boy named [name redacted]
SoccerGirl: well lets see.. hes from brazil.. hes jewish.. he goes to lindenwood and his major is video production
richar900: how long were you with him before the insemination?
SoccerGirl: well about 2 months…
SoccerGirl: shit!
richar900: awesome.
richar900: are you gonna like get married now or what
SoccerGirl: fuck no.. lol..
SoccerGirl: i am just going to see how everything works out and then well see
richar900: meaning what exactly?
SoccerGirl: i mean everything changes after the baby comes
richar900: ya. but you two have been close still during this time?
SoccerGirl: yeah so so.. we have our ups and downs.. its really hard for me to trust him when we are long distance, but im working on it
richar900: long distance? where the hell is he?
richar900: those relationships never work
SoccerGirl: well its just long distance until i come back home in december
SoccerGirl: hes at lindenwood and im in KC
richar900: whats in KC?
SoccerGirl: kansas city mo
richar900: but whats in it. school i guess? probably not family
SoccerGirl: school
SoccerGirl: all of his fam is in brazil
SoccerGirl: AWESOME
richar900: why awesome
SoccerGirl: his fam is like a traditional jewish family and is pissed that im catholic and is not supporting this situation at all
richar900: are you raising the kid to be catholic?
SoccerGirl: yeah..
richar900: does the dad have a facebook or myspace?
SoccerGirl: yeah facebook under [redacted] mermelstein lol
richar900: mermelstein. awesome.
SoccerGirl: yeah.. he said he wants the kid to have his last name.. i said absolutely out of the ? do i have STUPID tatooed on my forehead
richar900: idk. i’d tell you, but I havnt seen you in awhile since you stood me up, remember?
richar900: exit question: do you notice any of the irony in a catholic girl banging a jew she’s known for 2 months causing a pregnancy that she’s so ashamed of that she has to lie to her friends, but thinks naming the kid the last name of the father is insultingly stupid?
SoccerGirl: hahaha o richard
Another thing that might have contributed to the shame that I didn’t remember till later was that I warned her against getting fat all the time, so seeing her with preg pudge would invite ridicule in that realm in addition to the “haha, you threw your youth away to raise a baby now” stuff.
To illustrate a little further, I grabbed some pre-preg pics of her. Since the whole thing was a secret, I haven’t seen anything with a baby in it, but this is what it USED to look like – so you can just apply the bump in your imagination and laugh accordingly.
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