Please know that I love you and that this comes from a place of love: I hate you.
God dammit, people. You know the saying “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? Well you can say not-nice things to me all you want, but “If you have NOTHING to say, don’t say anything at all [to me]”.
Stop asking me “What’s Up?”
This is really one of the worst things to say to me and my message ques are filled with it. It’s not so much that I dislike it because of anything related to me, but rather what it says about *you*. It says you are uninteresting, uncreative, lazy and bored. If you weren’t those things, you would have had something of substance to say and then would have said it. Instead, under the guise of checking in with me, you’re really just notifying me of your flatlining life.
What? is UP? I have a website/blog, 2 Myspace profiles, a Facebook, a YouTube and a god damn Twitter that I update bi-daily with nothing but “what. is UP”. Feel free to check them out at any point to answer that question any time you’re wondering, day or night.
When I point this out to people, they shamelessly defend their laziness by saying they want to hear the answer from me directly.
You people are monsters and you have no shame. Find your humanity before it’s too late, I beg you.
If someone regularly put out their work schedule with frequent updates in multiple places accessible by me for free at any time, I would be embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed to then ask them “when do you work next?”. If they pointed out that they publicly post this info frequently, I would doubly-so want to cut my wrists in punishment if I somehow could muster the nerve to tell them that I did not want to look at those sources and I instead wanted them to drop what they were currently doing to then bridge that information over to me because I’m just that Special and more important than anything they have going on. And I *AM* that special and more important than anything anyone else has going on. and yet somehow, I still have found a way to retain a shred of human decency and so can you.
If you insist on this then you must defend your wicked postion. Explain exactly what makes you so god damn better than everyone else that you deserve your own private briefing while everyone else has to go through the arduous task of checking any one of the multiple sources that exist to answer your inane inquiry.
It would be 40% acceptable if you actually cared, but you’re not fooling anyone. You don’t give a hamsters pinky toe what is “up” with me. You are bored because you’re boring and you know I’m not so you’re seeking attention as a form of entertainment.
Look, I’m all about filling the void of your terrible life with the fun aspects of mine, but I aint a free party clown on-call for your personalized amusement.
And while we’re at it – knock it off with asking “How are you?”
I hope this duck kills itself.
Wondering if I am okay and/or in positive or negative temperament is wonderful and I’m grateful to be the target of any such affection at any time. Using that premise as a false front to get attention, however, is an evil worse than genocide.
Can you not read the word next to “mood” you sonofabitch? Did I choose that particular emoticon out of a display of dozens to appear next to it for nothing? Choosing from that dropdown menu took time and effort. Why do you spit on my hard work? Why do you insult me by ignoring this free service I provide you? Why must you aggravate me with your refusal to make use of my laborious attempts to broadcast personal information to you?
Well this stops now. This plague on my life and my multiple inboxes must cease and desist, henceforth.
From now on, these are the only answers I will entertain your stupid nonsense questions with:
Question: How Are You?
Answer: medium-rare
Question: Whats Up?
Answer: A new Disney/Pixar animated movie featuring the voice talent of Ed Asner.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, can you go ahead and grow a personality and stop wasting precious hours of our lives with inane time-killing filler?
If you want to talk to me, you can. I make myself supremely accessible to every person regardless of their background or standing in life for a reason. But for RaptorJesus sake, please bring something to the table.
Stumped because you’re so lame and boring? Daddy’s here to help. If you want to talk to me but have nothing to say: create something.
-Find an interesting article and form an opinion about it.
Bring that opinion to me and ask for input.
-Come up with a philosophical challenge or hypothetical and present it to me for consideration.
-Use your knowledge of me and my areas of expertise to learn something.
Ask me a question. I’ll give you an answer.
Your options are legion. Be not afraid and be not a useless boring sack of Nothing. I do not appreciate those people and I desire nothing more than to appreciate you.
Heed this simple request, go forward and sin no more.
Leave a Reply