Tonights Timeline Outline

Tor Peterson and I used to be best friends, but I waged war on him after my girlfriend at the time cheated on me with him. 8 Billion years later, we have made up and are back to shenanigans.

-I go to a bar with Tor.
-Tor drinks 2 buckets of beer. I drink 1…glass of cranberry juice.
-Tyler comes up and we reminisce about old times before he has to go.
-2 chicks enter the bar across from us.
-Tor & i go talk to them. They’re culinary students and hate baking, blah blah blah.
-Tor brags about the durability of his phone encased in an invincible OtterBox
-Girls challenge these claims and Tor throws it on the floor and stomps on it.

-Skeptical girls, still sensing Shenanigans taking place, continue to challenge and then stomp on his phone and actually break it…

-Girls buy us shots as penance.
-Tor and I play darts with girls at bar. they suck (naturally – see: “girls”) but we rules so our coed teams even out, kinda.
-Bar calls last call and girls say they’ll be right back while they go to the bathroom.
-Tor and I ditch the girls while they are in the bathroom.
-Tor and I pee on his truck in the parking lot instead of in the bar (since that would ruin the ditching).
-Tor speeds the fuck out of the parking lot for dramatic effect.
-It works and we laugh. so he keeps spinning out like we’re in a chase scene. Tor takes a hard turn onto the highway and doesn’t let up when his truck fishtails on the wet road (it rained all day).

-We slide. into a fucking ditch.
-Truck is pointing upward. all wheels on grass and mud. Tor tries to fix it.
-We slide all the way down the crevice of the ditch.
-I get out to push, which is comedically futile since 2 wheels aren’t even hitting ground and the incline of the hill is insurmountable probably even with 4 wheel drive, which we don’t have.
-Cop pulls up with lights on.

Tor biting his lip so he doesnt crack the fuck up in front of the 2 officers checking our licenses in the glow of the police car lights.

-Tor answers every question wrong, making him sound more drunk and more criminal than he is.
-Cop recognizes his military service and lets up on the questioning.
-Cop asks me what I do for a living and for some reason doesn’t show the same respect and reverence when I inform him that I’m a model and improv comedian who maintains a network of websites and blogs…
-Tor has an AutoClub membership… but can’t call it from his phone. he doesn’t remember this and it takes me asking him 4 times if he is going to call from “his phone” before he realizes/remembers. “from YOUR phone, Tor?… YOUR phone…”.
-Brenda to the rescue – which is the name of my iPhone, but also Tors ex girlfriend, so thats kinda kooky.
-Tow truck has been called and is on the way. we’re still only a 1 block away from the bar.
-It starts to pour rain. I am in a sleeveless black shirt.
-We wait for the truck in the back of the police car.
-The truck gets towed out of the ditch.

note that this picture shows the truck 90% out of the ditch. low light on my camera sucks so i couldnt get any visible images or video of it all the way down there. the police cars spotlight was shining near the top of the ridge and lit up the area to the eye but not the cameras eye unfortunately.

-We fill out the tow paperwork at a gas station.
-I get a donut and a banana at the gas station.
-We crack up the whole way home that that really just happened.
-Shower. Blog. Bed.