The dumb answer is obviously that peaches are peach colored. Yeah. no doy. And the snozzberries taste like snozzberries. Cool. Whatever. Now riddle me this*, you slags: Are peaches orange or pink? One of those, right? Or a shade lighter than their namesake? But what shade-name?
Pink is a light red. Lavender is a light purple. With an eye drop of alcohol, I’m a light weight. But what is peach? … Light… orange? That doesn’t ring correct. Peaches are orangey by way of being basically a pomegranate red with pineapple dust. So what color is that? Yellow-orange? Yellow has to be in the mix there somewhere, right? We don’t think of peaches as yellow, but look at that dopey watercolor clipart I just posted up there as I ponder this dumb shit^. Peaches are… pink and maroon? with yellow sunblasts?
Or we can’t count the yellow. Yellow is also throwing me off because they’re yellow on the inside but that can’t count or otherwise we would call apples white and bananas white and pears whi— dude, is every fruit besides oranges white? Not watermelons. But those are fkked up too because the watermelon color is red, which just debunks my whole premise of the color a fruit is known by needing to be the outside color, not whatever’s inside. Maybe that’s still the rule and watermelons are just the exception because every other basic ass fruit is white on the inside or the same color as its skin/peel/winter-mink-coat like oranges and grapes and grapefruits and cherries. That makes sense. Watermelon gets to have red as its color because its the Oreo of fruits. -which is a confusing analogy because Oreos are white on the inside and the point of likening it to the cookie was to point out how it’s *not* white on the inside. Speaking of whiteness:
Peaches are RACIST
Let’s not miss the forest for the peach trees here: the fact appears to be that peaches just don’t have a color that has yet been labeled by mankind. The color we call “peach” is a collision of tan gold and maroon splotched on a faint orange backdrop. Which I guess is flesh colored? That makes sense.
Except – remember when I said that peaches are “flesh colored”? I mean, I literally just said it in the previous line, so you should. Weeelllllll….
At the time of this writing, according to crazy people – that’s achuallyyyyy not an okay thing to say because if you say something is a thing and it doesn’t apply to every iteration of that thing then you’re an eggplant hater or fruit supremacist or some bullspit that doesn’t make any sense since saying something is “flesh colored” doesn’t mean that flesh has only one color – it just means that it is “a” color.
For you historians reading this in the future saying to yourselves “um, duh. we all understood that. why is he clarifying something that wasn’t opaque?” and then the follow up people who are all like “using ‘opaque’ like that? Nice” to which I’m all like, “thanks brah” but – It’s just a snapshot of my time where manufactured outrage is a thing that is trendy among a circle of professional complainers who make careers off of dividing humans more than they already are. Don’t worry – they don’t follow their own rules with anything else. That’d REALLY be bananas. Not literal bananas – I mean the euphemism bananas for something that’s absurd. Like how the same people who would object to calling peach a “flesh color” didn’t even notice that I said the same exact thing earlier by saying that apples are red, when apples actually come in pink, yellow, green, and swirly combinations of those that don’t have a dominant color to accurately label it with.
“Peaches are flesh colored” could be a good description for the purpose of this investigation – I just also have to addendum that declaration that “It’s RACIST!” (read: Isn’t that at all). The movie Amistad dramatizes the story about the Supreme Court case settling the aftermath of an African slave rebellion on the Spaniard ship La Amistad and includes a point where a white lawyer cross examines a black slave saying something like “why do you call your people black when you are more brown than black?” (as if this one dude sold into slavery is responsible for international skin description vernacular? gtfo’tta here, bish) and gets shut down by the spot-on retort of something like “why do you call your people white when you are more pink than white?”. I hope i’m not completely making that up, because I couldn’t find the actual quote anywhere.
I also just remembered that the previously mentioned foods of “Oreo” and “watermelon” are also slurs for people who are different outwardly than what they really are. Oreo’s are a cookie way of using the bigoted “Uncle Tom” smear that hasn’t been relevant for 100+ years but that people still use anyway in saying someone is black on the outside and white on the inside – which also doesn’t make any sense because isn’t the point of that slur supposed to mean that a person is acting white on the outside in betrayal of their black heart? Not black heart – that’s a phrase that means evil or wicked or whatever – I meant “blackness at their core” – which I’m not saying is a real thing since obviously race is a construct of the human brain searching to label things in ways that doesn’t need to be respected in modern times because we’re all just humans who shouldn’t be dividing up into tribes anymore and — yo, I’m gonna get too offtrack defending against this to remember to explain watermelons as a slur: that one means that you’re “green” on the outside and “red” on the inside as a way of describing how environmentalism can be used by Communists (eg: “You don’t want to kill the environment, right? Cool. Good. Now just accept that the only way to do that is to dismantle Capitalism through Statist power that abolishes private property bit by bit until we achieve an egalitarian utopia, thx).
Peaches are PEOPLE
I’m still favoring the description of peaches being “flesh colored” even though that just passes the buck from one vague term to another since “flesh” is another color that isn’t easily defined – but let’s drop the “what color” thing for a minute and go down the road that peaches being “flesh colored” leads to blow our minds about how peaches are PEOPLE.
Cats, canines, chimps, apes, mice – Most mammal flesh is some tone of that tan pink color that is basically a peach skin. You can’t always easily see that skin because mammals have hair and – oooh, whats this?… peaches are one of the only fruits that also have hair… I mean, obviously it’s “hair” not “check in online to skip ahead of the chumps waiting there at Supercuts” hair, but its a friggin plant that has fuzz. Only kiwi’s and what else? if you count that fire flames on Rambutans as hair, have this feature.
Butt it don’t stop there, folks…. did you see what I did there?
Peaches are butts. Every peach was made with a ridge in it so that they could serve as representations of human buttocks in the interim time between the invention of smart phone emoji’s and the time that society evolves to a point to just make a non euphemism human-butt-emoji.
Still not convinced? Then how do you explain this image of Princess Peach from the Super Mario Bros Nintendo games depicted here without a nose and pupils as big as her earrings resting on a tennis net which you KNOW cannot support her weight – what is you DOIN gurl???
But I’m sure it’s just a “coincidence” that this fruit has a butt like a human, hair like humans, and light to dark flesh represented by humans, right? Sure.
But it goes deeper… Slice a peach in half and gaze upon what’s inside and try to tell me that it somehow *doesn’t* resemble a laid back splayed open depiction of the sweetest most valuable part of the female anatomy: her brain.
So there you have it…
Peaches have hair. Just like humans.
Peaches are racist. Just like humans.
Peaches are butts. Just like humans.
Peaches are women. Similar to humans.
& Peaches have no discernible color except that of human flesh, containing the intimate parts of human insides. Just. Like. Other. Peaches. And Humans.
Peaches.
———
*At the top of this post I used the phrase “Riddle me this”, which I haven’t said in at least 60 to a hundred years and hoo-boy, it is not a cool phrase. It’s from when I watched the 1960s Batman reruns on FX at my Grandparents house and became fascinated by The Riddler, but wtf – no one says that, no one knows The Riddler says that, and if they did it would not be a cool reference to drop. I’m only going to say it 214 more times before I give up on trying to make it a thing and then I give up.
Leave a Reply