Oof. I think I ate too much PF Changs. or maybe just ate it too fast. can you get hurt doing that? cuz this hurts… An hour ago I updated my Facebook and Twitter status as “my balls hurt”, cuz i’m classy like that, and also cuz they do. The hurt manifested itself into a low-hanging stomach ache though and now I’m just reeling.
I scarfed down half an order of Mongolian Beef, half a Shrimp Sichuan From The Sea, a third of Pork Fried Rice and 2 full servings of white rice (i skipped the fortune cookie cuz i’m on a diet) in about 6 and a half minutes. That’s a lot in a little, but no more or worse than those competition speed-eaters shove down their gullets, right? They don’t die. Like, isn’t the point of capping the records for food consumption on time, because you can’t hurt yourself by eating a lot in a short time? cuz it’d be dangerous to your body if it were straight up consumption, but since it’s an under 10 minute limit or whatever then — right? this is the thing. I heard it on tv. why do I hurt so much right now? uuuuuuuuggggg.
UPDATE: it’s 1AM and after laying in bed for a long time I finally got up to go puke. I did it in the sink so I could inspect what comes up but then forgot that that means I now have to fish it out since it won’t go down the drain. whatever. It was very little. less than a cup. there were 2 unchewed green flat things (UPDATE: they’re scallions) that garnish the Mongolian Beef. that was kinda funny. I’m gonna try to go back to sleep now. except without the word “back” since I never really got there beforehand. but maybe my body thinks it purged the badness and will allow rest to happen…
UPDATE: Dude… PF Changs kicked my ass. didnt sleep at all last night, stayed inside all day with abdominal pains & am in bed now at 10:30pm.
I have to switch my diagnosis from “ate too much, too fast” to straight up food poisoning.
hoping to survive the night.
UPDATE: It’s the next morning and I feel fine. I’m not thrilled that I woke up close to 10AM when I went to bed at around 10PM, but waking up was the important accomplishment to have made. My only dilemma now is that i still have $30 or so of the delicious poison left over in the fridge and I’m extremely tempted to go back to it…
UPDATE: im such a junkie..im goin back to the leftovers. i have to. they’re just.. there. its was probably the shrimp that did it, right? ill just not have the shrimp. everything but the shrimp should be okay. right? right?? fuck… i can hear it sexually moaning at me from down the hall 🙁
UPDATE: It’s 4 hours later and no food poisoning! awww ya bitches. I ate all the beef and rice and no shrimp although i’m tempted to go eat that mother fkkn shrimp now. i’m convincing myself it WAS just eating too much too fast.. maybe it’s like how you can’t drink a gallon of milk in under an hour without puking cuz your body cant process it. except instead of milk, it’s grease. PF Changs is insanely greasy… and according to a friend that works there, I found out today that the Mongolian Beef is deep fried…TWICE. dayum… that makes my mouth water just saying it. I want more. I’m eating that shrimp. but tomorrow. tonight I enjoy a pain-free slumber. with dreams of poisonous shrimp caressing my comatose lips like Sleeping Beauty and her prince… ah, fair Prince.. let us be together at last… Once Upon A Dream…
UPDATE: I ate the shrimp…. It was the shrimp… My head feels hot and I’m dizzy now… I’m on a poisoned-shrimp-trip…
Image by Ashley of MissAshleyPants.com
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